DEEP PAIN, DEEP HEALING

 

Sometimes a pain is so deep that we have to repeatedly cleanse the wound.  This is what Letting go is about.  not denying a hurt or the reality of what caused it.  That doesn't work.  We can reframe a narrative but not without admitting, "Someone or something hurt me. Something I thought would never happen did happen. I can't change that fact."  

Letting go is a mental state where we no longer cause ourselves extra suffering.  A reminder, or trigger, is a stimulus that causes a painful memory to resurface. We don't bring them on ourselves.  They just happen. When they do, it can pull the past forward so that our body may react as it did then. If this has happened to you, you know how your breath changes, you lose focus, you may retreat.   

As time goes on, each reminder may reach deeper levels of sadness or trauma which we then let go by facing the mental weight of the former pain and letting it pass.  Miraculously all emotions do pass.  Such is how we are made.  We know that happiness and joy don't last forever, but sadness, fear, anger the same.  Yes, they may recur, but we let them dissipate again.  

This is not as bad as it seems.  It is not hopeless. Not at all. In fact, it can be transformative.  We note how the heavy weight of an event lessons.  Reminders that may have stalled us for days or weeks do not.  Our mental reserves replenish more quickly.  If we don't fight what is happening, we conserve energy; mental tension does not consume us.  We recognize how we feel but give it only the space it needs to move on.  we do not feed the flames.  We promise not to make ourselves feel worse.  It is a promise we can keep; we each have so many ways to cope.  (This writing is one.)

Letting go does not mean forgetting, not of what we wish we could forget nor of what we wish to hold dear.  For those of us who have lost someone, forgetting is what we most fear.  But letting go of grief is not letting go of those dearest to us.  For years I had a mantra I used with my despair over the death of our son whose name is Adam:  "More Adam, Less Grief."  Focus on him not my (and, Dear God, his) loss.  (Yes, writing this my breath has changed.) 

In a different scenario, if you have forgiven someone their hurt, let that thought come forward.  There is a reason you forgave (or were yourself forgiven).  It was a choice you made listening to your heart and to God.  That's where the transformation comes in.  That's where the narrative can be reframed, and honestly so.  "I was brave when I took the steps that led to forgiveness."  "I save what matters most to me."  "Dear God, thank you."

There may also be something to forgive yourself for and heal.  I would like to forgive myself for not sitting with my father the entire day that he died. His last months were hard on him but on me too.  the death of a Parent can be like that.  Sometimes neither of you is much good at comforting the other. When I returned to his side at 3 pm it was hard to tell death from life.  After an hour and a half of checking, the hospice nurse said he was gone.  

So, we have deep pain and need deep healing from many things in many ways.  We have wounds to cleanse and emotions to survive.  And we do.  We know that just a sigh can be a prayer that is answered.  We don't deny or avoid our feelings and we don't accept minimization from others.  In these ways we follow the nature God has given us.  

And we do so much more than survive.  We become role models.  We nurture others.  We take care of ourselves.  We take every gift we have been given and use it for good.  We count our blessings and at the end of the day live in joy.  

I think I will say, Thanks be to God.        Nina Naomi

 

TO LIVE IN SERENITY

Isle of Iona, Scotland

Psalm 63:8 "My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me."

To forgive we need to accept.  But more.  To live in serenity, we need to accept.  Acceptance is surrendering to what is:  our circumstances, our feelings, our problems, our health, the delay of our dreams . . . The present and, even that worst of things, the past.  

When we are disturbed, it is because we find some person, thing or situation unacceptable. Until we accept it, we cannot transform it.  We cannot take action.  We are immobilized.  First acceptance, then action.  The action may--where there is contrition--be forgiveness.  When someone asks for forgiveness because they are sorry beyond all question or doubt, the choice is clear.  Who would not wish the pain a wrong causes to lift?  When we forgive we choose not to avenge.  We choose not to pay back.  Forgiveness is not "an eye for an eye."  It is love that is deserved.  

The action may also be something else.  Confrontation, setting boundaries or, in the extreme, facing endings and embracing new beginnings.  The action may be a change in ourselves.  "This is what I will do to make this day as good as it can be."  But acceptance is key (Post, Oct. 19, 2022).   

Small things:  this is my age, this is how I look, these are my abilities. Bigger things:  this is my present, this is who loves me, this is who hurt me, this is who I miss.  Even bigger:  this is what I must live with for ever and ever and I need God's help.  "You, Lord, are my rock and my salvation.  Be by my side this morning, noon and night."  

Then acceptance becomes a tool for transformation.   When we accept, we relax.  We breathe.  We let go of the struggle.  We say to God, "You lead, I'll follow."  

"This is the way my life is right now," we admit, even if I am facing the end, as every single one of us does.  "I will not wait until tomorrow to be thankful, until tomorrow to enjoy myself, until tomorrow to be grateful to be alive."  

I cannot say all that needs to be said.  I cannot think all that needs to be thought.  That would take someone more special than I.  So, in peace let us pray to the Lord.      Nina Naomi

 

JUST AS I AM THOU WILT RECEIVE

Fused Glass

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Times are still difficult; we've all noticed that.  In response, I've been reading books by Dr. Mary Pipher again (Posts 3/9/19, 3/18/19).  One  I reread is Women Rowing North: Navigating Life's Currents and Flourishing as We Age.  It's not overtly devotional or even necessarily religious.  She writes for a broad audience.. The currents she describes are there to navigate no matter what.  For me, this writer's words create ripples like a small stone tossed into the pool of my own undulating thoughts. 

A psychologist, Dr. Pipher says that with each new stage of life we outgrow the strategies that worked before. I thought of how easy it was to feel exuberant at age twenty, how unbounded the future seemed and how for the young good health is so often taken for granted.  Not so at my age now; I do need new strategies.  She suggests being kinder and gentler with ourselves and others.

Some of the problems we face are luxuries: "I have a vacation, where shall I go?"  Some not: "My friend has cancer.  Will he survive?"  Or more nebulous: "Has my life been worthwhile so far?  Am I loving? Or loved?"  Dr. Pipher realizes that what she wants is for her soul to expand as her body ages. This is important at every decade.  

 

Dr. Pipher says that when she works with trauma victims she asks, "When you look back, what are you able to be proud of?"  Everyone has something:  "I retained my essential nature."  "I've been able to tell my story." "I didn't give up."  "I fought back." "I'm alive."  When we have to confront difficult emotions the most important thing may be that we learn to grant ourselves mercy.  I think of William Blake: 

    For Mercy has a human heart;  Pity, a human face. 

Many of us feel young until we suffer a major health crisis, or our life partner does.  My father said to me, "I didn't feel old until your mama died."  He was 84 when he said this.  "As we age," Dr. Pipher says, "our bodies, our sexuality, and our minds are devalued."  True, even in 2022, maybe especially for women.  Sometimes ageism seems more trying than aging.  Yet research shows that as the years accumulate many men and women are deeply content, have better mental health, find an ability to manage their own emotions and help others do the same, and excel at intimate conversations.  I think this means that we learn acceptance.  If some fact in our life is unacceptable to us we have no peace until we accept it.  We Christians learn acceptance from our Lord.  I remember singing "Just as I Am" at my Grandma's Methodist funeral, and at many funerals since.  Verse 4 reads:   

 

Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Eventually, one way or another, we will say goodbye to everyone we love. Our goodbye or theirs.  As we cross each milestone we need better navigational skills, but fortunately we have more experience acquiring them.  We are able to face life as it is and build happiness from there.  Hospice teaches that there are five essential conversations:  "Please forgive me."   "I forgive you."   "I love you."  "Thank you."  "Goodbye."  There is no reason to wait until it's time to say goodbye to speak the other four.  In that way, we help heal ourselves and others and find joy.  At any age and in difficult times.  

                                                                   In peace, Nina Naomi

 

 

WHAT INNER JOURNEYS WILL WE TAKE THIS YEAR?

Things I've found, read, thought of, or happened this past year that helped me, and I hope you: 

We don't have to try to live each day to the fullest.  Each day is full on its own.  All we have to do is notice. 

All you can control is you and all I can control is me;  then let us be at peace.

Time speeds up and slows down, shortens and lengthens according to a formula we can't change. No hour feels exactly like any other hour.   If time is the interval between two events, the interval is ever different.  There is clock time and there is felt time.  We can be at one with that; time has its own temperament.  

I can measure my life by what is going on within me, rather than by a pre-pandemic lifestyle.  What motivated me last year?  What will my projects be  this year?  You too.  What will our inner journeys be like in 2022?

We don't have to wait until we're too busy to say no.  We can say no because we don't want to be too busy. 

Our sadness can be a mild alarm signal, triggering more effort to deal with our challenges.  Sadness can send us to our tool kit:  a walk, anyone?  Some time alone, or with friends?  What action is needed?  What change to be made?  Welcome, sadness. 

Find what you do that's so absorbing that you forget the world exists, then do it more often.  

Beware of destination addiction.  If happiness is always the next  activity, the next outing, the next day--anywhere but here--it will never be where you are.  It will never be now. 

Make yourself a little world where you can be from time to time alone and perfectly at home.  

Useful metaphor (though easier said than done):  Do not let anyone rent space in your head unless they are a good tenant.

Virginia Woolf suffered from depression and died from it, yet she wrote,"Happiness is in the quiet, ordinary things.  A table, a chair, a book . . .  .  And the petal falling from the rose, and the light flickering as we sit silent."   We can look to those small things if we're depressed too.  

 A truth I've learned from experience:  you can recover from loss, even a loss that squeezes your heart with iron fists.  

Pause and look for the bits of magic that happen each day.  

Time spent caring for plants is meditation in motion.  Wilderness is not a luxury but a necessity of our soul. 

Every year I'd like to make my needs simpler. 

When I need a guide, God is the best one I've found.  

"I want to think again of Dangerous and Noble things.  I want to be light and frolicsome.  I want to be improbable, beautiful, and afraid of nothing as though I had wings."  If Mary Oliver could say this when she was 68 years old, we too can cultivate our own unbounded spirit.

So many years ago Rachel Carson (1907-1964) wrote, "There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature--the assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after winter."  This is still true. 

Bell Hooks, whose death we are mourning, said, "Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving.  When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape."   Such consideration this shows.  And such appreciation of solitude.    

Forgiving makes us feel free and light.  Let's forgive those we can, even ourselves. 

 

 

 

 

GOD WITH US

 

Ideas to Lighten Our Load

Some weeks we carry something too heavy: our emotions.  Fear, worry, doubt, sadness. Emotions can be our mountains.  Let's ask our God to climb our mountains with us.

Unhelpful thoughts are also heavy.  But thoughts aren't facts.  Have you noticed that when we don't fight them or coddle them they evaporate? Soon we're thinking about something else. That's how we're made.  What a blessing.  

We can rejoice that each day begins anew.  A fresh dawn, another glorious chance not just for the birds but for us as well.  We have survived the night.  Each morning is a birth day and for those we give thanks. When I open my eyes I give thanks for the daylight, the life out my windows, the person by my side. And so much more.  Parse it out.  What can you be grateful for as the sun rises?

Another help is acceptance. Our strengths and our joys easily, but also our losses and griefs . . . .  I have troubles; so do we all.  I am grieving; but perhaps you are too.  Or, my day is going well; yours too?  Life is so much easier when we accept the whole human condition. We can fashion our prayer, "Lord help me accept this."  Or, "Be with me now." 

Some goals can't be reached, for whatever reason. Often we can change the goal. I changed my work goals often.  My family goals too. And when we can't change the situation, we can change ourselves. The question is, "From this, what may I ask?"  You never go backwards.  Even setbacks move you forward.

Forgive yourself for what you did not know before now.  This is important, isn't it?  How many parents don't need to hear this? 

It's good to name our strengths and tell others theirs:  "You are brave. You are strong.  You are kind."  To myself: "I am brave.  I am strong.  I try every day to listen and be kind, to myself and to others."  "We are both enough."  If you're alone, just repeat, "Nothing is missing.  I am already whole." 

Mindfulness focuses on the acceptance of an experience.  Compassion focuses on caring for the person having the experience. Self-compassion is a shadow of God's comforting mercy.  Self-compassion says, "Be kind to yourself when you suffer."  This is a lesson well-learned.

Uncertainty is fine but let it not be about God.  "In God We Trust" is more than just the national motto on our coinage.  Some of the things in each of our lives defy a moment's peace, a second's happiness.  Yet joy abounds. The joy we thought would never fill our hearts again is the peace that passes all understanding. Who can explain it?  Always a surprise when we take the time to notice.  A gift from God alone.  The One in whom we may trust.  

Who am I to give advice, as it were?  Only a child of God.  That's all we need to be. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOMEMADE SELF-HELP

A Selection of Found Insights

Stop investing energy in imagining scenarios that trigger anxiety. 

Feeling guilty causes mild yet chronic stress. 

If we can't forget at least we can forgive.


Feeling flattered is a bad counselor. 

Believe in Ourselves, Possibility, the Future, Kindness, God's Goodness, the People who Love Us, Generosity . . . 

Forgiving isn't condoning; it's taking back control, giving ourselves the freedom to move forward.  There is no moving forward without forgiveness.

Give the Gift of Love.

When we have sad thoughts remember they too will pass.

When we try something new it is at first irksome rather than pleasant; give it time.

Clear our minds with actions that take concentration.  Focus is calming.

There is good news everywhere when we're not depressed. 


Most things that make us happy are Free:  Curiosity, Friendship, Laughter, Nature, our Instincts, Change, Growth, Discovery . . . 

Prayer is the Soul's Way of coping with Reality.

If we have a choice, choose what's best for us.

Be affectionate, be tender, be present.

If we're upset by a memory write in our Journal; Give it to God.

Read.  Lose ourselves in a Book.  Immerse ourselves in a parallel literary landscape.  Mindful reading may be the ultimate balm for our tech-worn brains.  Merge the story with our own memories and experiences.  Live elsewhere. 

Doing nothing for a while expands our sense of time which makes us feel less hurried and stressed.  

Travel gives us distance from our daily worries.  That's one reason it's valuable. 

A Handbook for Happiness might be to Slow Down, Enjoy what we have, Make the most of Where We Live. 

The Simple Things, January 2020 @Icebergpress.co.uk

 

   

  

 

 












  






   











  

SIMPLIFY YOUR LIFE

Such a familiar phrase isn't it--Simplify Your Life.  Sounds easy.  But is it?    (Post:  "Make Your Life a Little Easier, Especially in Your Head") I read an article about waiting.  Waiting for a better job, for a new person in our life, to be a parent or grandparent, for our children to grow up, for a health issue to resolve, for more time, or more money, for the right moment. . . something.  We're on hold waiting for a better future.  We're uncertain and some experts say uncertainty can make us feel anxious.  Our life doesn't seem simple at all. 

Uncertainty about the most important things in life can be devastating. Uncertainty caused by health or money problems, by disloyalty or by someone we trusted deceiving us, by mental illness playing havoc in our family. By something unexpected and devastating. A shock.  Such life-altering events are difficult to get past, even when we work hard at it. Even when we pray.

One way to simplify, according to experts, is to let go of anger.  We've all had to do that in our lives.  When someone has wronged us and refuses to admit it, the Bible says to abandon rage and anger (Psalm 37:8).  This is not forgiveness or reconciliation. Rather, being consumed by anger is not good for us.  By letting go we are healing ourselves, trusting that the pain will lessen with time.  

Another way to simplify is to forgive.  Not condone, not pretend an offense never happened; not allow ourselves to be fooled or taken advantage of; not pardon someone who tells us they've done nothing wrong when we know they have.  No.  Forgiveness is different than that. Forgiveness arises out of the unselfishness of love.  With forgiveness we accept the apology, we welcome the change.  1 Corinthians 13: 4-5 says that love does not keep account of injury.  We cancel the debt.  This is in the Lord's Prayer.  

How does this simplify our life?  Studies show that people who abandon anger or who forgive themselves and others are happier and healthier than those who hold on to hostility.  When we abandon anger or forgive we become more optimistic, our heart rates improve, our well-being is heightened.  So says the  Director of Stanford University Forgiveness Project Dr. Fred Luskin (www.curablehealth.com).  Forgiveness is an ancient tradition.  We can even forgive those who are long gone. Our parents.  The bullies from high school.  Forgiveness and anger abandonment are now taught as part of stress management courses.  And while we are waiting for our lives to change we can continue to live our lives.  Waiting is also living.  Ahhh. . . I'm ready to do this hard work.  And I hope somewhere someone is forgiving me.  Nina Naomi