LIFE AT A DEEPER LEVEL

I 💝 personal growth.  I bet you do too.  We want to grow personally, professionally, spiritually, every which way.  It's why we read, take classes, work hard, practice meditation, do so many things.  Lately I've been learning about post-traumatic growth.  I came to the topic by way of Mindful.org. and an article by American journalist and science writer Sharon Begley (b. 1956) about the science of "bouncing back" after trauma. Apparently some 60% of us will experience adversity, stress or suffering that rises to the level of trauma.  Many of us will report some form of personal growth afterwards.  A good thing, yes?

A traumatic event used to be described as one that fell outside the normal scope of experience.  But the uncommon has became more common.  Another school shooting, this one in Santa Clarita, California. Opioid deaths. More #MeToo survivors.   So trauma is now more specifically defined by experts as something that challenges our bedrock assumptions about life.  The challenge may come from health issues or marriage crises, violence or disability--make your own list.  It's often something that shatters our image of ourselves, of our world or of someone we love. Anything that causes severe emotional distress can disrupt our life as we believed it to be.

Post-traumatic growth, I'm discovering, is different from resilience. Resilience allows us to return to our previous level of functioning.  Post-traumatic growth is a positive change that happens in the context of crisis.  It doesn't replace stress; it may even occur with it.  The term was coined in 1996 by psychologists Lawrence Calhoun and Richard Tedeschi; I'm enjoying their research.

Post-traumatic growth occurs as we struggle with our crises.  We may make writing or journalling a part of our struggle.  We may disclose to trusted friends or a therapist.  We may take direct action.  And not least, we accept that the past can't be changed.  These good ways to cope are buffers against mental illness, the research shows.  My husband, for example, wrote a difficult book about a tragedy in our family. 

Post-traumatic growth takes forms we all recognize, perhaps in ourselves:  a renewed appreciation for life; a changed sense of priorities; warmer more intimate relationships; greater sense of personal strength; new possibilities.  All positive things.  So apparently adversity isn't the end. There can be more.  I like that.

It's a funny thing to be interested in I expect.  But most religions recognize the transformative power of suffering. We don't seek suffering.  Nor is it supplanted by growth.  But as we become the new person we need to be after trauma, we may end up living life at a deeper level and that is not to be scorned. I believe it is to be welcomed.  With my beliefs I would take this deeper level as a gift from God. 

I just attended my third Day of Mindfulness, a lovely silent retreat with guided and unguided meditations.  Another way people cope.  My take-aways from reading about post-traumatic growth are all helpful.  Under stress or not, it's good to have people to talk to; it's healthy to pray and to journal.  Losses may be unavoidable or not, but they likely won't ruin our lives. I bet you've found that to be true. And we can embrace any meaningful changes that follow our struggles.  

                                                    Nina Naomi

"A Lovely Silent Retreat" (Central Park, NYC)

 

  

SMALL THINGS, RICH LIFE

Winter comes slowly in North Carolina.  Leaves shrivel early from drought, before the temperatures drop.  September was a dry month, but we finally had late-October rain.  The first quarter of the school year has ended and it's apple cider season.  Last week the high was 55⁰ with a light drizzle.  I bought mums.  This week the rain stopped and we could use the fire-pit when the sun went down.  No more daylight savings.  Change of season is when we take stock, isn't it? Because I know I'll be staying in more soon, I've been thinking about the small things that make our lives richer. 
Here's one:  

"We would be together and have our books

and at night be warm in bed together 

with the windows open and the stars bright."  

Ernest Hemingway wrote this sentence in his inimitable style.  Mostly one-syllable words, simple sentence structure, nothing complicated.  Just "books," "night," "warm," "stars" and a word-picture emerges of two happy people in bed.  Content with each other.  Stars out the open window. Hemingway draws the scene as clearly as a painter would.  

So there are two things here that make our life richer.  One is being with our other half in bed as we reach for sleep wrapped in the warmth of our bodies.  The other is the reading itself, maybe Hemingway again or another of the American classics, or something newer.  At our house we start bedtimes with me propped up by pillows and my husband in the easy chair.  Reading is a perfect indoors winter pastime. I have a small stack of treasures waiting.  

Here's another small thing:  

"I DAYDREAM A LOT - THAT'S HOW I GET MY IDEAS.

IF I'M SITTING IN A 

CAFE, I'M NOT ON MY PHONE BECAUSE I WANT TO HEAR 

MY MIND.  I THINK THAT

THOSE PERIODS OF SMALL

SOLITUDE THAT WE ARE REALLY

LOSING ARE SO IMPORTANT."   

Poet singer-songwriter Patti Smith (b. 1946) said this.  She won the National Book Award for her first memoir, Just Kids (2010).  The small thing is the idea of just sitting so we can hear our mind.  We used to do this more often.  For a 70's punk rock singer, poet and  winner of the prestigious National Book Award to just sit with her own thoughts in a public place is inspirational to me.  If Patti Smith can do it so can I.  I can be myself without self-consciousness, sans phone.  

The third is my "Could-Do" list for November-December.  It's filled with small things.  Maybe some of these are on your list too:

Try one new Holiday recipe
Walk in the woods on the new golden pine straw
Gather fat pine cones for kindling, small ones to decorate
Share real (not edited) pictures
Spend at least one night away from home; make it romantic
Skip Amazon, shop local

Friendly Market, Morehead City, NC

Watch a movie-for-grownups
Go to a performance--the Messiah, the high school band concert, The Nutcracker . . .
Decorate with live greens, holly, pine, cedar, spruce and fir
And candy canes
And homemade paper snowflakes

Nothing hard on my could-do list.  I think as I do one I'll add one.  Just the things that nourish and uplift.  A list of treats. 

 









 

"SMALL KINDNESSES" BY DANUSHA LAMERIS

                                      Small Kindnesses

              I've been thinking about the way, when you walk
              down a crowded aisle, people pull in their legs
              to let you by.  Or how strangers still say "bless you"
              when someone sneezes, a leftover
              from the Bubonic plague.  "Don't die," we are saying.
              And sometimes when you spill lemons 
              from your grocery bag, someone else will help you
              pick them up.  Mostly we don't want to harm each other.
              We want to be handed our cup of coffee hot,
              and to say thank you to the person handing it.  To smile
              at them and for them to smile back.  For the waitress
              to call us honey when she sets down the bowl of clam chowder,
              and for the driver in the red pick-up truck to let us pass.
              We have so little of each other, now.  So far from tribe and fire.
              Only these brief moments of exchange.
              What if they are the true dwelling of the holy, 
              these fleeting temples we make together when we say, "Here,
              have my seat," "Go ahead - you first," "I like your hat." 
                                                       by Danusha Lameris

What do you think?  Do you like this?  The author is poet laureate of Santa Cruz County, California.  It's wonderful to me that Santa Cruz County has its own poet laureate. I know that the US has a poet laureate and that North Carolina does, as other states do.  And about a dozen national governments, including Great Britain.  I even knew that the poet Petrarch was crowned Poet Laureate in Rome (in 1341 but I didn't know the date), hence the term "laureate."  My own little corner of the world has its Piedmont Laureate (www.piedmontlaureate.org), not necessarily a poet, but someone who promotes the literary arts in the schools and community.  For a US county or city or Borough (Fresno, CA and the Borough of Brooklyn for example) to want poetry as part of its identity is encouraging I think.

After all, look at Lameris' poem.  I read an analysis by another poet, Naomi Nye, in the NYT magazine (Sept. 19, 2019).  She says that the poem breezes compliments and simple care, is a catalogue of small encouragements and celebrates graciousness within the community.  One reader's comments caught what I bet many of us feel.  She wrote, "When I read this poem everything around me softened for a moment."  Yes, me too.  

The poem makes me especially think about interactions between women, how we chat with strangers and affirm each other. I feel like I can say that without fear of contradiction.  How many times haven't I received a compliment on my mustard-yellow hobo bag? Or my little peep-toe flats that tie with a grosgrain ribbon?  If your tag shows someone just might tuck it in for you.  Or pick-up something you've dropped but not noticed.  I like it that when you hear a "Bless You" from a neighboring carrel it means "Don't die."  We're not saying that literally of course, but the history of the courtesy shows how long we have been caring for one another.   

Small kindnesses always stand for something more, something unspoken:  our needs, our gifts, how we navigate the rigors of life.  As an English teacher once, someone who can find solace in John Donne or Emily Dickinson or Mary Oliver, I am glad to now be acquainted with the Poet Laureate of Santa Cruz County, CA.  I'll start with The Moons of August (2013) and go from there.  

     What's gone
     Is not quite gone, but lingers, 
     Not the language, but the bones
     of the language.  Not the beloved,
     but the dark bed the beloved makes
     inside our bodies. 

I can't wait to read more of this poet.  "The the dark bed the beloved makes inside our bodies."  Wow.  Can language get better than that?  Such an unexpected blessing found today.  
                                                    Nina Naomi
 




 

YOUR CALMER SIDE

Illustration by Lori Roberts, Quote by Eckhart Tolle

You know I'm a newcomer to mindfulness, just two and a half years.  But ever since I started the practice I've looked for helps.  They're abundant.  One of the helps I found got me thinking about our calmer sides.  We all have one.  I guess it's the accessibility that differs, from person-to-person, from day-to-day.  We know when we're calm we feel differently.  Our breath, our heart rate, our minds are all sending signals of patience and kindness, with ourselves and with others.  

As part of this month's culmination in Thanksgiving I've decided to make gratitude and thankfulness an intention.  The science on this tells me my calmer side will rejoice.  With a little help from the pros, here's the plan:  First, let go of the desire for my life to be different than it is.  Sure it would be nice to feel younger, to have all the family closer, to have all my prayers answered. If wishes were horses . . . .  But that's not real, is it? The idea is to accept today, as it is.  And when I weigh everything, today just as it is, is good.  I can be thankful for that.


Second, let go of expectations. I can tell just by writing this, that leaving expectations behind brings peace.  My breath has deepened.  We can still believe in ourselves, work hard, change anything toxic that we can.  But be more flexible in accepting the results.  

Third, to let go of expectations and limitations means also to let go of the illusion of perfection.  Ah, something easy for me. I couldn't enjoy my life at all if it were tied to perfection.  My yoga poses, my pottery class, the sweater I'm knitting, the poetry I write, the meals I cook, this blog, my body, my whole personality, all are so far from perfect . . . .  And yet, I still trust myself first, my intuitions and my decisions. Where are you on this path?  At a good place I hope. 


Fourth, let go of comparisons.  We've all seen this maxim in one form or another.

"Comparison is the Thief of Joy"

            Theodore Roosevelt

That's what's wrong with social media isn't it?  For all the fun and good it does and the connections it builds, no one ever says "When I'm on Facebook I feel so fulfilled" or "What I like best about my life is the time I spend on Facebook."  Instead it makes us feel itchy, vaguely dissatisfied, morose even--like when we've watched too much TV or sat at the computer or been indoors too long.  I am working to be content with what I have.  That means no comparisons. No comparing houses, cars, jobs, children, spouses, vacations, abilities, achievements . . . no comparing lives!  Experts say letting go of comparisons creates space to appreciate where we are today and how far we've come. 

Fifth, let go of the past.  Not the good things.  Not the memory of my mother's love or how our babies felt when they were little, not the house I grew up in with my brother or the first date with my husband.  But the past that breeds resentment.  The traumatic past, the tough and terrible past that is triggered so unexpectedly.  The past of which we would be rid. This is a hard one; it may require professional help.  Sometimes when I am going somewhere I say, "I'm not going to take __X__ with me."  Some baggage, some thought, some memory.  I can't change the past but maybe, just maybe, I can leave it where it belongs. 

Lastly, let go of "someday."  I know I'm too old to put things off.  But perhaps we all are.  If it's important find a way.  Don't wait until we're out of school or married or the kids are older or we have more money or we're retired.  The expiration date of life is uncertain.  Less uncertain as we age, but still . . . .  If we've let go of expectations and comparisons and limitations then there's no reason to put off what is important to us.  After all, it doesn't have to be perfect!  We've let go of that!

So with help from others this is my November's recipe for calm.  A new season, a new month, a new plan.  And if it goes awry, not as I expect, or not as well as someone else's plan, I'll take it calmly and be grateful for what is.  Trusting myself.