Valentine's quiz: Who's the hardest person to love? Isn't it strange that it's the person we spend every second of our life with? We love our children before they are even born. Many of us are lucky enough to have parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters to love. We have lovers, spouses, partners. We love our best friends. It's effortless. We overlook the faults of those we love. We extend compassion and grace to those around us. We look past their mistakes to their inmost beings; we see the real person and we are kind. As they are to us. How many times didn't my children overlook my preoccupation with work? My son never in his life held onto anger. Ready forgiveness was a character trait with him. How often haven't my husband and I taken a breath, made a joke, and let an annoyance pass? How often don't we look for ways to affirm our friends? "You did your best." "I would have done the same thing." "You're right." And always, "You look great!" We even compliment strangers.
Where do most of us fall short? In loving ourselves. We hold ourselves to a different standard. Our self-critic can be brutal, our internal dialogue cruel: "Why did you do that? Won't you ever learn?" Badgering questions we would never ask a friend.
Mindfulness has helped me with this. Actually feeling in my body when God is near has helped. In fact, believing my body rather than my mind is always a good choice. My mind ruminates; my body has let go of the past. My mind catastrophizes; my body reaches for tenderness and gives it in return. It knows what I need more than my mind does. This is a lesson I'm forever learning.
This year for the third time I am delving into This Naked Mind by Annie Grace (www.thisnakedmind.com). Her challenges have become an annual pleasure, reminding me why I enjoy keeping alcohol in the periphery of my life. I ran into her work at a time when I wondered how I had become a daily wine drinker without intending to. I love learning the science of how our minds and bodies work. Annie Grace also talks about how we don't have to become a person we can love. We are that person already.
Certainly Christianity tells us this: to love your neighbor as yourself, you must first love yourself.
If we're accustomed to listening to negative self-talk, we can change and extend grace toward our own struggles. February is all about love--hearts and flowers, chocolates, special dinners and outings. For me February is triple-special. The anniversary of my husband's and my first date; our first grandchild's birthday; and Valentine's Day.
For all of us February could be a time to concentrate on being kind and supportive to ourselves, as compassionate as we are to one another. Greater Good Science Center based at the University of California, Berkeley (www.ggsc.berkeley.edu) researches the neuroscience of well-being. An article in a recent online newsletter ("How to Become a Friend to Yourself, Feb 5, 2021) explains that self-compassion looks outward, recognizing that everyone struggles and makes mistakes. This is different from self-pity which looks only at oneself. Self-compassion is a reliable source of strength.
Three years ago on Feb 4, 2018 I posted "Falling in Love with Your Life for Valentine's." I do love my life and hope you love yours. That after tallying all the pluses and minuses, you wouldn't want to be someone else, with their friends, children, hopes or dreams. . . and not yourself. For this our first--and we hope only--Covid Valentine's, my husband and I are bringing in a lovely carry-out from the local beach-front Caribbean Grill. We are isolating here in rainy Pine Knoll Shores, NC after our second vaccine shot. This is a blessing for which I am grateful beyond expression.
Beyond that let's work on offering ourselves warmth and unconditional acceptance. That is my February goal.
With kindness, Nina Naomi
