SIMPLE INSIGHTS

Follow your Heart

• While distractions waste energy, concentration restores energy.  Distractions leave us frazzled but concentration is calming.  Concentration is whole-hearted.  It restores us.  The qualities of concentration are presence, calm observation, willingness to start over, and gentleness.  These qualities help us at work and at home.  Never are they depleting.  

• Anger contains other emotions, like sadness, fear, disappointment or regret.  We need to tackle the underlying emotion.  Why are you angry at your child?  Is it because you fear for her safety?  Why are you angry at yourself?  Do you regret something you said or failed to say?  Why are you angry at your friend or partner?  Did they disappoint you?  And isn't it easier to address each of these without the anger?  Experts say that it is. 

• Accomplishments should increase our peace of mind, but too often don't. Often the first question we're asked after an accomplishment is, "what's next?"  Let's work to "rest on our laurels" for the moment and savor what we achieve.  Let's work to be happy with ourselves and our accomplishments.  Let's stretch that happiness.  We can strive without always having to reach a new goal.  We can revise or even abandon our goals.  Peace of mind in what we have accomplished will then follow.    

• Possessions bring only temporary satisfaction. Has this ever failed to be true for you?  I don't mean your home, where you retreat from the world.  Or your grandfather's watch or your mother's earrings.  But things.  If we remember this, we will save money, effort and time, all more valuable than things.  

• Meditation creates a sense of ease within and can help us withstand sorrow and loss.  Prayer and meditation bring us in close to ourselves, to a comforting place where sorrow can reside peaceably, where loss can be cradled. My meditation mantra is "Help, save, comfort and defend me, Gracious Lord."  Amazingly, it does help.  I have been saved and comforted when I thought that all was lost. This is an assurance for the future as well.  

• We can't decree what emotions will arise, only our responses to them. Every emotion should be recognized, named and accepted.  Feelings aren't bad.  Sometimes we are unhappy, with or without reason.  We can live with that.  If we couldn't live with sadness, change, loss or death, how could we possibly survive day to day, year to year?  Our emotions deserve our respect and tenderness.  

• Meditation teaches us how to begin again, and again.  Prayer too.  Prayer never tires us.  There is always more for which to pray.  Let's not exhaust ourselves running away from difficult thoughts, keeping them hidden or criticizing ourselves for having them.  Always to yourself be kind.  When we can forgive ourselves we can forgive others.  In that way we imitate God. 

In love, Nina Naomi

THIS NAKED MIND

Eggs, Toast and Tea for Supper

I've been watching videos by a writer named Annie Grace about approaching with curiosity the idea of being alcohol free. It's something I decided to investigate when I realized that I had never intended to be a daily wine drinker--one glass while cooking and a refill while eating.  Or one while dressing to go out and another socially.  Or one to help my back pain (never worked). I pretty much wasn't skipping a day and wondered why.  The books and videos by Annie Grace told me. I've been loving the learning process, being enrolled in a free science course, a subject I was never good at.  

I'm finding her programs educational and rewarding and thought I would share some of the benefits, especially the one that took me most by surprise.  Weight loss (though modest) I expected; that gets a ✔.  Extra evening hours when I'm less tired gets a ✔.  The absence of a mild heartburn that I was feeling once in a while.  I put a ✔ there too.  And a ✔ by a sound sleep every night until the sun is up with lots of healthy REM sleep.  

The most surprising benefit took me a few days to notice.  Then I questioned my observation and started paying closer attention to see if this benefit were true.  Here it is:  I've stopped having intrusive thoughts.  You know, those meanie thoughts that are often about something past that we drag around with us?  Basically, those unwanted thoughts that can blindside us.  Maybe a memory, maybe a projection, maybe a fear warranted or not, maybe just a sadness, something we wish had never happened.  Often middle-of-the-night or early morning surprises.  The disappearance of these unhelpful invasions of my peace gets a triple ✔.

I don't know but perhaps the reason is related to the depressive effects of alcohol.  Or perhaps to the cycle the body goes through to rid itself of the alcohol we drink since the body recognizes alcohol as a poison.  As an addictive substance, alcohol creates a need for itself that a drink then satisfies.  The satisfaction lasts about 20 minutes before adrenaline and cortisol kick in to balance the numbing effects of the alcohol.  The adrenaline and cortisol create anxiety, which is then calmed when the anesthetic effect of another drink changes the balance.  This creates a cycle where our body repeatedly seeks homeostasis.  Simple science that I'm sure many knew but not me. 

This new knowledge is changing my feelings about that glass of white wine. And having been alcohol-free since early March, the needs of my body have changed too.  I got hooked on Annie Grace's no-pressure/no-judgment class one other time, after my 2019 back surgery, a pause from alcohol that lasted 2 1/2 years.  Not sure why I forgot how much I liked that.   

So far, I haven't encountered a downside to being alcohol free.  I'm sure non-drinkers knew this, but I didn't. Anyway, if a pause is something you're curious about, I do recommend Annie Grace's Naked Mind series of books.  Or if you just want to learn something new.  From Nina Naomi

Fresh Veg for Supper

 

                                              

"TURN SORROW INTO CREATIVITY, BEAUTY AND LOVE"

Bittersweet is a best-selling book by Susan Cain.  Her themes are speaking to me and may to you too. Perhaps you cry in movies, are moved by Shakespearean tragedies, cozy up on rainy days or enjoy melancholy music from Country to classic, Roy Orbison to Mahler (his Symphony No.6 in A minor is called dark and terrifying).   Barber's Adagio for Strings takes the movies The Elephant Man (1980), Platoon (1986) and Lorenzo's Oil (1992) to another level.  I'm listening to Albinoni's Adagio in G Minor as I write. 

In this blog we've discussed the "andness" of life.  Never is it one thing or another.  Always both.  We have survival fears even as we enjoy this greening spring.  We worry for our children even as we admire their growing independence. As threats grow, so does importance.  The shorter one's life, the more precious each day.  The dichotomies are many. 

Cain defines bittersweet as "a tendency to states of longing, poignancy and sorrow, an acute awareness of passing time and a curiously piercing joy at the beauty of the world...and the recognition that light and dark, birth and death--bitter and sweet--are forever paired."   

Many of us respond to sad music.  In "Annie's Song" by John Denver are the words "Let me die in your arms."  Because of something my young son said to his wife during his last weeks as a cancer patient, these are the most poignant words I know.  Sometimes I want to hear the song, sometimes I can't bear it.  

Even tragedy can be bittersweet.  It means that we have been blessed by something immeasurable that is now lost.  We loved and were loved, when the loss is greatest. We are not, as a character of Henry James discovers to his heartbreak in "The Beast in the Jungle," a person to whom nothing was destined to happen.  

No one avoids sorrow. In accepting it we learn that the place in which we suffer is the same place from which we care.  As we suffer our compassion grows and we do not dismiss the sorrow of others.  We scorn no one's tears, not least our own. Sorrow is a useful antidote to the oft-overdone advice to be tough, optimistic, and assertive.  And while we can't rid ourselves of pain, we can turn it into something else. We can take whatever it is that we do--write, act, study, dance, compose, innovate, teach, parent, design, plant, help, listen, give--and make it a creative offering.  The next time sorrow is my lot, I'm going to try.  

                                         In peace, Nina Naomi

GOD WITH US

 

Ideas to Lighten Our Load

Some weeks we carry something too heavy: our emotions.  Fear, worry, doubt, sadness. Emotions can be our mountains.  Let's ask our God to climb our mountains with us.

Unhelpful thoughts are also heavy.  But thoughts aren't facts.  Have you noticed that when we don't fight them or coddle them they evaporate? Soon we're thinking about something else. That's how we're made.  What a blessing.  

We can rejoice that each day begins anew.  A fresh dawn, another glorious chance not just for the birds but for us as well.  We have survived the night.  Each morning is a birth day and for those we give thanks. When I open my eyes I give thanks for the daylight, the life out my windows, the person by my side. And so much more.  Parse it out.  What can you be grateful for as the sun rises?

Another help is acceptance. Our strengths and our joys easily, but also our losses and griefs . . . .  I have troubles; so do we all.  I am grieving; but perhaps you are too.  Or, my day is going well; yours too?  Life is so much easier when we accept the whole human condition. We can fashion our prayer, "Lord help me accept this."  Or, "Be with me now." 

Some goals can't be reached, for whatever reason. Often we can change the goal. I changed my work goals often.  My family goals too. And when we can't change the situation, we can change ourselves. The question is, "From this, what may I ask?"  You never go backwards.  Even setbacks move you forward.

Forgive yourself for what you did not know before now.  This is important, isn't it?  How many parents don't need to hear this? 

It's good to name our strengths and tell others theirs:  "You are brave. You are strong.  You are kind."  To myself: "I am brave.  I am strong.  I try every day to listen and be kind, to myself and to others."  "We are both enough."  If you're alone, just repeat, "Nothing is missing.  I am already whole." 

Mindfulness focuses on the acceptance of an experience.  Compassion focuses on caring for the person having the experience. Self-compassion is a shadow of God's comforting mercy.  Self-compassion says, "Be kind to yourself when you suffer."  This is a lesson well-learned.

Uncertainty is fine but let it not be about God.  "In God We Trust" is more than just the national motto on our coinage.  Some of the things in each of our lives defy a moment's peace, a second's happiness.  Yet joy abounds. The joy we thought would never fill our hearts again is the peace that passes all understanding. Who can explain it?  Always a surprise when we take the time to notice.  A gift from God alone.  The One in whom we may trust.  

Who am I to give advice, as it were?  Only a child of God.  That's all we need to be. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HEALTHY ATTITUDES ( "LET GO OF SOMETHING HEAVY")

  

This is something I read:

Let go of something heavy.  Whatever your mountain is . . . fear, worry, doubt, or shame, it is far too weighty and wearing on your spirit . . . it is time to put it down.  Unburden yourself and imagine the wings that will unfold once [you are] free.  It is time to untether yourself and fly.  by Elle Harris at bellagrace@stampington.com

I've been carrying something too heavy this week.  I'm trying to let it go.  We all have mountains, another word for trouble.  Many times our mountains aren't tangible; they're emotions.  For me this week it's sadness.  In other posts (Healthy Attitudes, Part XIV) I've written about how mental illness affects a family.  It's a disease that hurts others.  It's a disease that can make its sufferers want to hurt others.  An unkind mystery to be sure.  Something I need--again--to turn over to God.  

In the same issue of Bella Grace where I saw the quote by Elle Harris, I found a writing prompt about a very different emotion than sadness--its opposite in fact: happiness.   Just a simple prompt:  "What does happiness look like?"  "What does happiness feel like?" And, "What does happiness sound like?"  I answered right off the bat.  

Happiness looks like my oldest grandson's smile.  It looks like my granddaughter walking in the door.  It looks like a clean house, a view of the ocean, and the trees out my bedroom window.  Happiness feels like my husband's arms around me, soft clothing, the love our daughter-in-law radiates, and when God is near.  Happiness sounds like the voice of my younger grandson when he picks up the phone (melodic, measured, pleased).  It sounds like my husband and me laughing.  It sounds like my teakettle, soaring music (Puccini, Andrea Bocelli, John Denver), and the whir of the overhead fan while we sleep.  There's so much more. 

These thoughts helped me let go of the feeling I was carrying.  Why should I spend (waste) my time (my life) with a burden both too heavy and unsolvable, at least by me?  

If you are holding on to fear, sadness, shame or whatever is crushing your spirit, it may be time to set it down. We may have to set it down more than once, but I bet we get better at doing that. 

A healthy attitude is not to let someone else's life (or death) ruin your life.  If they are kind they would not want that. It dishonors them. If they are not kind, you don't deserve that. It dishonors you.   

                                              In peace, Nina Naomi 

 

 

 

 

 

LIVING BETTER

Hellebore or Winter Rose

It's been muddy here where I live.  We've had so many damp warm days that the daffodils have popped up too early.  The Hellebores, though, are right on time.  Also known as the Lenten rose, the Christmas rose and the winter rose, but they only resemble a rose, they aren't one.  Last Spring my brother transplanted some for me from our woods where they couldn't be seen without traipsing over rotting logs and dodging the stickery overgrowth.  Leaves, stem, flowers, sap and roots--the whole plant is so toxic that the deer leave them alone.  Last weekend my husband brought a few more closer to the house.  The main erosion prevention where we live is rock.  Rocks partly buried, rocks under the earth, rocks wherever we place our spade.  So we got a little rock pile out of the holes he dug.  Since I've loved playing in the dirt since childhood, it was a happy day for me.  If you're a gardener too, don't you just love kneeling on the wet earth? 

January has brought loads of suggestions for living better.  Gadgets, technology, energy savers, mood boosters . . . .  but I'm thinking that being outdoors trumps them all.  Bundled up or stripped down--whatever the weather demands.  I read about rates of depression climbing among teenagers and young adults, women, veterans and just about everybody else.  So anything we can do for ourselves or for others, deserves our attention, don't you think?   Otherwise health or family issues, job or money issues, or plain old unhelpful thoughts can push us toward our limit. 

These ideas are ones that bear repeating--I can't remind myself too much.


1.  Take more time for ourselves.  Not so easy I know.  I remember when I had no time for anything but putting a meal on the table, supervising homework and getting ready for tomorrow.  Feeling like I couldn't carve out a minute. But that wasn't so healthy.  Experts say that time alone helps us regulate our emotions so we can better deal.  A sort of Time Out I guess. And where better to have this Time Out than outdoors. There's actually measurable evidence that solitude can be restorative, build confidence, help us set boundaries and boost our creativity and productivity. Solitude isn't loneliness. It's time to enjoy our own company, to please no one but ourselves.  Have you noticed how you're not lonely when you're on a walk, taking a hike, by a waterfall, rowing a boat, whatever it is you like best in nature to do?  Some days for me that might be just reading on a bench or sitting by the fire pit.  

2.  When something is good, enjoy it! Wholeheartedly.  Sometimes when I'm enjoying the outdoors my mind goes to what I should be accomplishing.  As if nourishing our bodies and souls in nature weren't enough of an accomplishment!  Or I might wait for the other shoe to drop. This day or hour is too nice; what's going to happen to spoil it?  Or try to anticipate some future hypothetical disappointment so I won't be taken off guard.  Sometimes I do that right while I'm in the midst of having a good time!  Negative expectations they're called.  And what a waste those are!  When something negative does happen it's never what I was preparing for anyway.  In fact the worst things that have happened to me so far I could not have anticipated, not with all the foresight in the world. So, why not savor the good without worrying so much about what will come next?  Why not give ourselves a break?  Cradle our joy.  

Illustration by Lori Roberts

3.  Give mistakes their due but no more than that, our own or those of others who may have hurt us. 

Remorse - is Memory - awake -

Her Parties all astir -

A Presence of Departed Acts -

At window - and at Door

Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)

 

Remorse and regret are pretty much the same.  Not happy feelings.  One way to manage bad feelings is to accept them, knowing they won't last forever.  Just like our thoughts, our feelings come and go.   The more choices we have the more likely we are, apparently, to fear we've made the wrong one. And maybe we have, or someone else did and it's affected us.  Better to find a middle ground between avoiding something we wish hadn't happened and obsessing over it, whether it's something we did or that was done to us.  I've been working on this a while now.  Last night was the first of eight weekly classes on "Loving Kindness Meditation" at Duke Integrative Medicine.  That is a part of this effort.  And today I'll be outside again doing the quarterly maintenance on the mossy path I've made winding in the woods beneath the trees.  In other words staying with the present which is not where obsessions live.  

With much hope and expectation for living better this year.  Nina Naomi