HEALTHY ATTITUDES (LOVERS AND FRIENDS)

Friendship is born at the moment

when one person says to another, "What!

You too?  I thought that no one but myself. . . .

C.S. Lewis (1898-1963)

Each friend represents a world in us,

a world not possibly born until they arrive, 

and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. 

Anais Nin (1903-1977)

I felt it shelter to speak to you.

Emily Dickinson (1830-1886) 

These quotations remind me of a marriage.  Perhaps given how long I have been married, that is inevitable.  I suspect we all have a best friend or two and if our spouse is one, so much the better.  But good no matter what.  When I am outside raking Mr. Wiggles is my best friend.  I protect him from the hawks circling and he bravely routs the deer.  

Dr. Mary Pipher (Post 3/9/19) calls the friends who navigate life with us our "Travel Companions."  She calls our spouses our "Co-Captains."  On the day that our son called to say the doctor thought it was melanoma, long-time friends showed up to help us through the night.  I say his name in my heart as I write this.  When the cancer returned almost two years later different friends came to sit with us.  Friends came every day until he died.  On that day a car with an out-of-state license plate was in the driveway when we returned from the hospital.  "These better be friends," I said.  Sure enough they were.  We were plied with food and prayers.  Friends provided shelter.  We survive. 

With best friends and spouses we can communicate complicated multilayered emotions with few words or none.  We're lucky when we have a friend with whom together we create a new entity--the friendship. They share our pain. "Women," Pipher says, "excel at troubles talk."  Isn't that the truth!  And they amplify our pleasure.  Pipher says we can define our wealth as the time we have available to nurture our friendships.  I would add our marriages as well.  The time we share as co-captains, equal in partnership. 

 

Some marriages falter after the death of a child, or any trauma.  Anais Nin expresses it like this:

Love never dies a natural death.

It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source.

It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals.

It dies of illness and wounds. 

It dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.

Anais Nin

As she says, it takes blindness or betrayal to kill love.  Wounds that won't heal, or a withering from neglect.  A misplaced allegiance that tarnishes the relationship.  

But some marriages grow stronger.  The partners work to replenish love's source.  Their love becomes their glory.  Couples can choose to bear their traumas together, can choose a new vigilance and not grow weary. Some couples learn to have difficult conversations.  Some feel a rush of tenderness when they look at one another. 

Many of us have read Madeline L'Engle (A Wrinkle in Time).  She says,

A long-term marriage has to move beyond chemistry to compatibility,

to friendship, to companionship. 

It is certainly not that passion disappears,

But that it is conjoined with other ways of love. 

Madeline L'Engle (1918-2007)

This is what I've been thinking about this lovely North Carolina spring day. It's true that there are toxic 'friendships' and marriages that are better severed.  Friendships that serve ego needs and marriages of unkindness.  But there are many of the other kind too, aren't there?  Friendships we keep alive not out of habit but because we want to spend time together.  Marriages we know are healthy because when we are apart we miss each other.  All of these quotes by better thinkers than I am.  I bow to them.  Nina Naomi

 

 

 

19 QUOTES TO HELP US SURVIVE. I PROMISE.

"Action is the antidote to despair.  It may not help the world but it always helps us."

"We don't heal without hurting.  For a while, the cure for the pain is the pain."

"Stories allow us to make sense of our lives."

"Stories are always an interpretation of facts."

"This may be the most important thing--that we learn to grant ourselves mercy."

"Feeling grateful is not a moral injunction, but rather, a healthy habit. . . ."  

"But who exactly has my anger been punishing?"

"It's a question of balance and contrast."

"When the sunset blazes copper and gold, we don't want to be checking Facebook."

"[A]geism may be an even more serious challenge than aging."

"Why me?"  No, "Why not me?"

"Actually there are no small pleasures.  A cup of coffee...a song...or a walk...can be exquisite." 

Hospice teaches that there are five essential conversations:

1. "Please forgive me."
2.  "I forgive you."
3.  "I love you."  
4.  "Thank you."
5.  "Goodbye."

"One of the secrets of happiness is having a host of activities that we can enjoy when we are alone."

"We will find what we look for."  

"Happiness requires us to make the choice to pay attention to this and not that."


"We all keep appointments we did not make."

"Time management is not for the faint of heart." 

"It's not time to worry yet." 

These quotations are from Dr. Mary Pipher's book Women Rowing North: Navigating Life's Currents and Flourishing as We Age.  I chose these sentences because each one seems that it could be true for each of us at any stage of life.  Age and gender not required. Each statement creates ripples like a small stone tossed into the undulating pool of our own thoughts.  Each could be its own blog post, written by any of us, literally or in our minds, and perhaps will.  So, I'm recommending this book.  It's a slow read because the words reach from the writer's experiences into our experiences.  We can ponder, and decide how to apply what Dr. Pipher talks about to our needs and aspirations, our fears, our futures.  Thank you for writing, Dr. Pipher.  Today my gratitude is for you.  Nina Naomi

 

  

VISIT NORTH CAROLINA FOR THE SIMPLE PLEASURES, PART I

It's lovely that this month's readers are from Canada, Germany, Indonesia, India, Japan, Portugal, Russia, Singapore and the US.  Places I have visited or plan to or dream about. So whether North Carolina is home or far, far away I'm encouraging visitors. If that's impossible I hope these photos make you feel like you've visited.  They're some of my favorite places.  And armchair travel is a pleasure on its own. Lot's of us see the world that way. 

North Carolina stretches from the Atlantic coast to the mountains, so let's start at the beach! There are rental houses, camp sites, and everything in-between.  We can't do it all justice, but here are some gems.  

The pelicans are prolific.  I wish I were a good enough photographer to catch them diving beak first, but no such luck. The gulls heckle and swoop and grab french fries in mid-air.  This one sat still on a piling on the Morehead City waterfront.

Day and 1/2 Day Fishing Charters

Morehead City is an active Port with large container ships waiting their turn at the loading docks.  Its population is about 9,000.  It hosts fishing tournaments and provides causeway access to the string of island towns across Bogue Sound.  Below is the fisherman's path at Fort Macon, where there's an old civil war fort and Bogue Sound meets the Atlantic. Surf casting from the rock jetty is good here, though a bit treacherous. You have to be nimble.  

The boating is good too.  And the pier fishing. For surf fishing, swimming and shelling, nestled public paths meander through the live oak out to the beach in residential areas.  It's all free.  Parking is a short walk away.

Oceana Fishing Pier

Public Beach Access, Dogwood Circle

These last two photos are of the same path, back to front, beach to road.  We take this path often with a beach wagon for our gear. 
 

There are so many great places for seafood on the Chrystal Coast. Redfish Grill is a waterfront bar and grill in downtown Morehead, open year-round. 

Red Fish Grill, Morehead City Waterfront

Southern Salt Seafood Company opened where the old Captain Bill's used to be.  Built on piers over Bogue Sound.

Southern Salt Seafood, Morehead City Waterfront

And Crab's Claw, at the Circle on Atlantic Beach with breezy upper and lower outside-seating right on the sand.  The owner, Toni, does an amazing Thanksgiving Day feast.  Roast oysters, turkey and ham, oyster stuffing. . . . Everyone who comes gets a $10-off coupon for another visit.  Can't wait to see the re-build after last fall's hurricanes. 

Crab's Claw, Atlantic Beach Boardwalk

These yard signs are all about.  We don't want drilling off the North Carolina shore.  This yard is on the Sound side of Pine Knoll Shores, one of the island towns built around the canals and a great place to bike-ride. You can also bike-ride along the ocean at low tide when the sand is hard.  Just save the wind-at-your-back for the return ride!   

Colorful canoe racks are in every local waterside marina and park.  This one is in Beaufort, just 8 miles from Morehead City over another causeway.  Beaufort is a pre-revolutionary war town established in 1709.  Wild horses roam across Taylor's creek and on Shackleford Banks, accessible by ferry from the town. Great for a day with your picnic cooler. Or you can unwind at the Front Street Grill at Stillwater on Taylor's creek in Beaufort and watch the horses across the water. 

Historic white houses line the streets in Beaufort.  This small commercial alley looks lovingly tended.  A bottle tree decorates another front garden.  The town is a walkable paradise except for the hottest summer days. 

The lighthouse on Shackleford Banks is also accessible by ferry.  A wonderful place to hike and swim.  The shelling is magnificent on the Crystal Coast, especially at low tide, after a storm, and in winter.  I have glass containers of olives and augurs (a carnivore smaller than your little fingernail), welks and Lady Slippers, jingles and coral, calico scallops and razor shell clams. . . .  It's hard to overstate how exhilarating a ride to the lighthouse is, watching it come into view and grow larger on the horizon, skirting smaller islands as you go. Then walking the width down a path through low dunes to the Atlantic Ocean and if it's calm enough, floating away an hour or so.          

Sunsets are not to be outdone.  Sunrises either.  And best of all the beaches are never crowded.  At least not unless it's Fourth of July!

Maybe the wonderful beaches in Portugal aren't either--one of my wish-list places.  They aren't crowded in the UK where I've been, where the locals "wild swim" in a cold sea.  But they were on the Mediterranean!  

Sunset in January, Emerald Isle

So, yes, come to North Carolina and start at the beaches.  There are more.  Hatteras, Kitty Hawk, Nags Head, Ocracoke Island, Cedar Island, Oriental, then south, Wilmington, Wrightsville Beach, Long Beach. I'm sure I've skipped someone's favorite. 

In Part II I'll try to persuade to you visit or armchair-visit the Piedmont, the middle of the state where my North Carolina family lives.  Foothills all the way to the mountains.  Stay tuned!

 

WHEN DO YOU FEEL BEST ABOUT YOURSELF?

My New Jersey family sent me a book of writing prompts for Christmas, 52 Lists for Togetherness (Sasquatch Books, Seattle).  I was surprised that they knew me so well.  It's hard to pick the right book for someone else. Many of the writing prompts are about connections, ways to love, respect, admire and appreciate those around us. I don't resonate to all the lists, but to many I do.  Here are a few you may want to have a go at:

• List the Friends, Family, Coworkers, Mentors and Others who come to mind when you hear the word Community.
• List everything you feel grateful for at this present point in your life.
• List the ways your life is different now from how it was one year ago.
• List the mantras or guiding words you want to live by.
• List the things that you prefer to do alone.
• List the lessons you have learned from people older than you.
• List the ways you would describe yourself to someone who wants to get to know you at your core.  What unique qualities make up your being?
• List the places where your most significant relationships grew. 
• List the things that make you feel loved and supported by others.
• List the ways you like to love and support others.
• Chose someone close to you and list the times you have seen them at their happiest. 

Each list item then has an Action bullet, like "choose a relationship to focus on," or "share the words that guide you with someone who is struggling," or "decide how best to raise the happiness quotient of someone close to you the next time they're blue" and so on. It's a nice project to begin the day or end it.  

One of the Lists sparked a conversation with another couple.  The prompt is, "List when you feel best about yourself."  I said "When I feel loved."  The two men in the conversation both picked occasions of professional success, recognition or competence.  The other woman picked something related to her pride in her family.  She and I are also professionals but neither of us said we feel best when we do our jobs particularly well.  

Someone said the question felt manipulative.  But there's no right or wrong answer.  Everyone is different. We receive society's conditioning differently and are raised differently.  Our answers may vary from year to year as our life experiences grow.  A sampling of 4 yields no conclusions. But I am interested in thinking about the answers.  Strangely, I found a poem that fits my own choice, just ran across it when reading another book.  The poem is by Raymond Carver (1938-1988) who died of lung cancer.  Called Late Fragment, the poem reads,

And did you get what

you wanted from this life even so?

I did.

And what did you want?

To call myself beloved, to feel myself

beloved on the earth.

Carver wrote the poem while he was dying, the final poem in his last published work.  It is inscribed on his tombstone.  I am new to Carver's work, but I have learned that brevity is a hallmark of his.  Did you get what you wanted from this life even though you're dying? he's asked.  "I did" he says with confidence. He is a man beloved.  I like his contentment and assurance.  Feeling himself beloved on earth brings peace.  No wonder this short poem was chosen for his grave. 

It's good to know ourselves, isn't it?  And to find others, even a long dead American poet, who feel the same.  Are you in the mood to try one of the prompts?  Or create your own?  They don't take long.  Nina Naomi

 

 

  

"NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE"

I could be quoting Annie Lamott or Psychology Today or Mindful.org or Megan Le Boutillier or any number of sources or people.  I could be quoting my Dad when he wondered what my teenage self didn't understand about "no."  

But there's another kind of "no," the no that's needed when we're deciding how to spend our time.  After all, what else is irreplaceable, limited and will cease at an unknown point? The Stoic philosopher Seneca (4 BC-65AD) said to guard it as we would our most precious possession. I know I don't do that.  Dietrich Bonhoeffer, who ended his days in a concentration camp, said that "Time lost is time when we have not lived a full human life, time unenriched by experience, creative endeavour, enjoyment, and suffering."  Most of us don't wish we had more time to suffer, but we know what he means: time spent grieving is time wisely spent, time spent empathizing is time wisely spent, likewise time spent sharing another's sorrow.  

There are times, though, when we must say no.  These include the times some of us are tempted to say "yes" because our culture prizes busy-ness, or because we see people on social media whose lives seem curated to perfection.  Or in a work setting, because we are trying to get ahead, build a business or reputation, or just stay afloat, and we are afraid to turn down any opportunity.  Not FOMO exactly, but perhaps a lack of faith in ourselves or our future if we take a moment to breathe.  As a lawyer, it took a long time for me not to answer the question "How are you?" with anything other than "Busy" or worse, "Super busy," whether it was true at the moment or not. Busy had status.

We should strive, experts say, to say "no" without guilt, even when the alternatives we are choosing are doing something for our self or doing nothing at all.  We don't have to explain.  "No I can't" or "No I'm already over-committed" is enough.  This leaves no room for challenge or pressure.  

Saying "no" to ourselves can also be part of our self-care.  Creating protective boundaries not only for others to observe but for us to respect as well.  Like saying "no" to apps that send us alerts multiple times a day.  Or "no" to obsessively checking our email (yes even work email). Or to checking our phone before we've gotten out of bed.  It's a way to choose how we spend our time.  A way to remember it's not always something that matters.  We matter too. 

Seneca talks about how one who borrows the smallest, cheapest item acknowledges the debt but even the most grateful cannot repay the time they have taken from us.  Nor can we reclaim the time we have given away.  So if tomorrow is a work day or school day we set our alarms.  For what is already scheduled we hope we have made good choices, that we would utter the same "yes" or "no" again.  For what is to come let us make choices that we don't regret, either now or in the future.  Let us fearlessly recognize that "No is a complete sentence." This is something we can work on; it would be time well spent, wouldn't it?                
                                                             Wishing us all Success, Nina Naomi

LOVING-KINDNESS MEDITATION

When you meditate you can also notice the softer

more subtle thoughts that you usually race past.

 

This morning I had time for a guided loving-kindness meditation.  A chance to enrich my fledgling meditation practice.  I needed it.  I'm still home recovering from a major surgery. That's why I had the morning free. You can find free audio resources for mindfulness meditation at www.Mindful.org.  "Healthy Mind, Healthy Life," that's the motto of Mindful.  

Because I rely upon God for help and guidance, I try to integrate my faith into my meditation and mindfulness practice.  Although I'm a beginner, it's not too hard to do.  In fact, I feel like it comes naturally. When I am focusing on my breathing I remember that it is God who created me, who gives me breath, who I call upon when I am anxious, distressed or afraid.  When I move from my breath to a body scan, I thank God for each part of my aging body.  In fact, we can thank God for age itself, for not leaving this precious earth before our time. 

I've practiced Yoga for years, but taken only one 10 week MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) course at Duke Integrative Medicine, signed up for a full Day of Meditation, and later a 3-Day Urban Retreat.  So, yes, a beginner.  But perfect after any of our 'Big' birthdays, or during life transitions (empty nests, job changes. . .), or after traumas or griefs or betrayals or anything that needs healing.  I've learned that much already.   

Today's guided meditation began with a focus on ourselves and on someone who loves us.  My mother I thought, or my husband, but finally chose God.  That kind of unconditional love fit the meditation.  Having God say to me, "May you be happy, may you be safe, may you be protected.  May you be free from pain [yes! I need that!], may you have health and well-being as much as is possible. . . . "  I know God doesn't promise these, not health, not freedom from pain or suffering; rather God promises to share our afflictions.  But I do believe that God wants wellness for us, wants safety for us, wants health and happiness for us.   

I always add, "May you be kind."  I want that for myself as well.  All these loving-kind wishes, for me and then as the meditation goes on, from me to others, and out into the world.  So much wonderful hope in this meditation.  Feeling the love of someone else for you; or of God for you; or you for yourself; or yourself for others. . . .

I am working to find more time for this each day.  I have tomorrow's guided meditation picked out:  "A Loving-Kindness Meditation to Boost Compassion" created by Dr. Emma Seppala of Stanford University.  How can we lose, each of us, our compassion out-flowing into our families and communities and from there to who knows where?  I am going to try.  Nina Naomi

HEALTHY ATTITUDES (THE HUSTLER)

I read an article called "The Anti-Hustle" by Paige Leigh Reist in Bella Grace magazine, www.bellagracemagazine.com. It made me think.  

For me the word hustle has negative connotations.  It doesn't conjure up working hard for a good cause or giving of one's self to help others.  It doesn't even project multi-tasking to get the job done.  What Reist describes is "turning every . . . interaction, relationship, interest and activity into some sort of promotion or business venture."  Exhausting and inauthentic, she says. 

I've alluded to the inauthentic in other Healthy Attitudes posts.  I am not talking about a business website or blog where every person who clicks knows they are being sold a product.  They want the product, that's why they're clicking. They want details and testimonials and reviews.  They are shopping!  

I am talking about turning your life into a catch-all popularity and profit center.  The kind of blog or twitter account where the writer has something to sell but couches the sale as "Let's be friends." "I'll be in fill-in-the-blank this weekend and I hope you're there, love to meet you." "I freakin' love so-and-so on my podcast and hope you will too!"  "I can't catch my breath.  It's our 2nd season!"  "Guess what?  My book is now on Kindle for $2.99." These are real quotes.

Reist describes the detriments and rewards this kind of marketing brings. She carries a lot of embarrassment, she confesses, over what she's done "all for the sake of a few more followers or page views."  "And God," she continues, "the worst part is that it's so addicting when it works.  Validation! Popularity! Financial compensation!  The promise of becoming one of the elite, fabled influencers!"  

And then, Reist laments, "[t]hat sinking feeling when the high wears off."  When the book is $2.99 I suppose, or the guests on Season 2 aren't quite up to the guests on Season 1, or the number of listeners drops off.   All so predictable.  Then the hustle has to move up a notch.  Less time between promotional tweets, more fawning over followers, more build-up of guests.  More pretense that the relationship between writer and reader or podcaster and listener is something other than the one person selling something to the other. 

So, what is healthy and what isn't?  Sharing ideas and photos, that's healthy.  Inspiring others, that's healthy.  Openly selling our crafts, illustrations, textiles and other creative endeavors, that's healthy.  Sharing thoughts, recipes, decluttering tips, the wonders of nature.  Or something more serious:  hopes and dreams and disappointments, the benefits of mindfulness or of meditation or of prayer.  People from around the world spending a few moments with one another.  Remember when we couldn't do that?  How much poorer we were then. The list of what's healthy is long.

What isn't healthy?  Tweets that are one humble brag after another are not healthy. Bragging is not healthy. Disguising marketing as friendship or as helping others is not healthy.  Being disingenuous is not healthy.  For example, if a writer selling a book about her illness is now cancer-free, omitting that from an op ed is not healthy.  That should be shouted from the rooftops.  Readers deserve to know that you are not at death's door, that your widely-publicized prayers have been answered, that they can admire you--if they want--for something other than your personal response to this all-too-common disease. 

It's all about honesty, isn't it?  If my legal services are available I quote my rate and tell you what I can realistically accomplish. It's a business relationship. I have a business web site.  It's a bonus if along the way we become friends. But I don't lure you to my law office with the plea, "Be my friend." 
 
The article by Paige Reist sent me to her lovely blog, "The Wholesome Handbook."  She reminds us that in our professions we all make industry relationships, we use social media and we hone our crafts.  We're all creative, sending bits of our selves out into the world where we want them to succeed.   But we're not here to sell ourselves to others, to use tragedy for personal gain or to become a brand or message. Pay attention, Reist says, to how often we do things with the intention of being noticed.  I like that.  That's a healthy attitude!