"I BELIEVE IN INTUITIONS AND INSPIRATIONS," SAYS ALBERT EINSTEIN

 

Me too.  How about you?  This seems to be a time to listen to our intuition.  I've written about this before ("Doomscrolling.  Let's Not," 7/20/20).  How our intuition is emotionally powered; when our emotions are strong, our intuition kicks in.  It takes what is happening in the moment--good or ill--and integrates it with our experience and memory. I know that when I have needed to be brave, or recognize something that I'd rather weren't true, my intuition has been my guide.  It has taught me to rely upon it.  As you read this, are you remembering a time when that has been true for you as well? When because you followed your intuition, you were emboldened to change something important to you?

One thing about intuition:  it exists only in the present.  "This is wrong."  "I know what has to be done."  Or, "This is right."  "Here is what matters."  They say our intuition responds to signs: a snippet of conversation, an email, some words, even a gesture can become a trigger to awaken our inner guide.  That has been true for me.   People's minds find all sorts of reasons (excuses) for doing the wrong thing. But when our intuition tells us something, we can generally trust it.  When we're chasing our tails, that's usually the mind floundering.  Intuition gives us purpose and direction. When it speaks to us we can act quickly and with confidence.  We can do the hardest things.  

I've been reading and thinking about ways to encourage our intuition.  One way is to make space to hear our intuitive voice, space for it to be clear and true.  Some deep breaths might help.  If our world is crashing, and some of ours have been, a pause might provide space. A break-away of whatever length we can manage.  Space to become attuned to ourselves.  Being honest with ourselves is also important experts say. Admit if something feels wrong; don't try to normalize what isn't right.   We can spend years ignoring our intuition while trying to normalize another's misbehavior.  I've done that.  

Other experts say that being creative allows our intuition to flow naturally.  Another reason to paint, dance, write . . . to move through life believing in ourselves.  

These days it's great to not future-trip about what might happen--we've seen how that doesn't work--or ruminate about the past.  But to try listening to our bodies, where our intuition resides.  And if no less that Albert Einstein recommends it, so much the better.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HEALTHY ATTITUDES (THE HUSTLER)

I read an article called "The Anti-Hustle" by Paige Leigh Reist in Bella Grace magazine, www.bellagracemagazine.com. It made me think.  

For me the word hustle has negative connotations.  It doesn't conjure up working hard for a good cause or giving of one's self to help others.  It doesn't even project multi-tasking to get the job done.  What Reist describes is "turning every . . . interaction, relationship, interest and activity into some sort of promotion or business venture."  Exhausting and inauthentic, she says. 

I've alluded to the inauthentic in other Healthy Attitudes posts.  I am not talking about a business website or blog where every person who clicks knows they are being sold a product.  They want the product, that's why they're clicking. They want details and testimonials and reviews.  They are shopping!  

I am talking about turning your life into a catch-all popularity and profit center.  The kind of blog or twitter account where the writer has something to sell but couches the sale as "Let's be friends." "I'll be in fill-in-the-blank this weekend and I hope you're there, love to meet you." "I freakin' love so-and-so on my podcast and hope you will too!"  "I can't catch my breath.  It's our 2nd season!"  "Guess what?  My book is now on Kindle for $2.99." These are real quotes.

Reist describes the detriments and rewards this kind of marketing brings. She carries a lot of embarrassment, she confesses, over what she's done "all for the sake of a few more followers or page views."  "And God," she continues, "the worst part is that it's so addicting when it works.  Validation! Popularity! Financial compensation!  The promise of becoming one of the elite, fabled influencers!"  

And then, Reist laments, "[t]hat sinking feeling when the high wears off."  When the book is $2.99 I suppose, or the guests on Season 2 aren't quite up to the guests on Season 1, or the number of listeners drops off.   All so predictable.  Then the hustle has to move up a notch.  Less time between promotional tweets, more fawning over followers, more build-up of guests.  More pretense that the relationship between writer and reader or podcaster and listener is something other than the one person selling something to the other. 

So, what is healthy and what isn't?  Sharing ideas and photos, that's healthy.  Inspiring others, that's healthy.  Openly selling our crafts, illustrations, textiles and other creative endeavors, that's healthy.  Sharing thoughts, recipes, decluttering tips, the wonders of nature.  Or something more serious:  hopes and dreams and disappointments, the benefits of mindfulness or of meditation or of prayer.  People from around the world spending a few moments with one another.  Remember when we couldn't do that?  How much poorer we were then. The list of what's healthy is long.

What isn't healthy?  Tweets that are one humble brag after another are not healthy. Bragging is not healthy. Disguising marketing as friendship or as helping others is not healthy.  Being disingenuous is not healthy.  For example, if a writer selling a book about her illness is now cancer-free, omitting that from an op ed is not healthy.  That should be shouted from the rooftops.  Readers deserve to know that you are not at death's door, that your widely-publicized prayers have been answered, that they can admire you--if they want--for something other than your personal response to this all-too-common disease. 

It's all about honesty, isn't it?  If my legal services are available I quote my rate and tell you what I can realistically accomplish. It's a business relationship. I have a business web site.  It's a bonus if along the way we become friends. But I don't lure you to my law office with the plea, "Be my friend." 
 
The article by Paige Reist sent me to her lovely blog, "The Wholesome Handbook."  She reminds us that in our professions we all make industry relationships, we use social media and we hone our crafts.  We're all creative, sending bits of our selves out into the world where we want them to succeed.   But we're not here to sell ourselves to others, to use tragedy for personal gain or to become a brand or message. Pay attention, Reist says, to how often we do things with the intention of being noticed.  I like that.  That's a healthy attitude!

HEALTHY ATTITUDES (MARRIAGE)

 

Linda Hock, "Set for Two," Mattie King Davis Gallery, Beaufort, NC

What makes a healthy marriage?  How much independence should spouses give up in order not to hurt one another?  These questions are not meant for abusive or unequal relationships.  They are meant for relationships where both partners want nothing more than comfort, peace, companionship  and love and want it to last a lifetime.  

It doesn't have to be in a marriage.  But it is a marriage where people take vows, make promises, become a new entity.  It is a marriage that creates duties.  Some are absolute duties--the duty of fidelity (emotional, spiritual and physical) for example.  If it is a Christian marriage the partners are "made one in Christ."  A marriage or other committed relationship brings the obligation of no secrets.  This does not mean every moment of the past has to be deconstructed.  But it does mean no present secrets.  No e-mails that the other cannot read.  No conversations that flourish in private.  No intimacy in word or thought with someone else.  In other words, no one about whom one partner has to claim, "We're just friends."  These are by nature betrayals.  And, no self-deceit that allows such a relationship outside the marriage to exist. 

The best way to avoid these situations is to be honest with ourselves and open with our spouses.  If we want to have coffee with someone and we know (or should know--that's the hallmark of 'no self-deceit') that our spouse will be made uneasy by this, we don't do it.  To ignore our spouse's preference out of a need for independence is devaluing our spouse.  It jeopardizes something of paramount importance (a lifetime relationship) for something less, whatever that lesser thing may be. 

Whenever we choose something that has even the potential of causing discomfort to the person to whom we are committed, we are making a statement.  "I  want something (or someone) other than you, even for just a few hours. I'm happy to maintain our status quo but only if I can do what I want. I have moved beyond the friends who strengthen our marriage. I want [admiration, a feeling of youthfulness, the buoyancy of a 'special friendship,' whatever . . .] even if that bothers you (or would if you knew)."  Otherwise why not ask,  "I was thinking about catching up with so and so.  Are you free to do that with me? "  Now that makes a healthy marriage!  

There may still be questions as to why you want to catch up with so and so.  But at least nothing will occur in private.  Boundaries will be set.  After all, private is the same as secret.  And if our spouse says, "No, I don't want to come and I don't want you to meet with him/her either," that is something we should respect.  Friends should be friends of the marriage.  Friends of the marriage are healthy.  Of course, friends of only one of us can easily become friends of the marriage.  That happens all the time.  But if one person doesn't want their friend who is the same sex as their spouse to be the friend of both, if he or she raises some obstacle, that it itself is tell-tale. 

I've been reading the memoir of a friend of our marriage.  A friend who lives in South Africa, was important in the struggle against apartheid, and who is now a widower (watch for the publication of I Beg to Differ by Peter Storey).  He has written about his marriage, 

     "No marriage is without struggles; the law of self-disclosure makes it  impossible to hide our self-truths no matter how adept we think we are at disguising them.  But much depends on whether the frailties thus exposed are grasped as opportunities to find 'a more perfect union' or as reasons to cut and run.  I won't traverse the sore places which I, more than [my wife] created, except to stand in awe of how much more ready she was to learn and grow from them."

Ah, do not we all want to have and to be such a spouse?  Would not our lives be easier, more God-pleasing, more honest and sincere if we used every opportunity for a more perfect union? I am drawn to the statement, "The law of self-disclosure makes it impossible to hide our self-truths no matter how adept we think we are at disguising them." My husband and I have been working on that.  Not surprisingly, it makes for some amazingly wonderful times.  I want to thank God for those.  Thank you, God.  Nina Naomi