HEALTHY ATTITUDES (MARRIAGE)

 

Linda Hock, "Set for Two," Mattie King Davis Gallery, Beaufort, NC

What makes a healthy marriage?  How much independence should spouses give up in order not to hurt one another?  These questions are not meant for abusive or unequal relationships.  They are meant for relationships where both partners want nothing more than comfort, peace, companionship  and love and want it to last a lifetime.  

It doesn't have to be in a marriage.  But it is a marriage where people take vows, make promises, become a new entity.  It is a marriage that creates duties.  Some are absolute duties--the duty of fidelity (emotional, spiritual and physical) for example.  If it is a Christian marriage the partners are "made one in Christ."  A marriage or other committed relationship brings the obligation of no secrets.  This does not mean every moment of the past has to be deconstructed.  But it does mean no present secrets.  No e-mails that the other cannot read.  No conversations that flourish in private.  No intimacy in word or thought with someone else.  In other words, no one about whom one partner has to claim, "We're just friends."  These are by nature betrayals.  And, no self-deceit that allows such a relationship outside the marriage to exist. 

The best way to avoid these situations is to be honest with ourselves and open with our spouses.  If we want to have coffee with someone and we know (or should know--that's the hallmark of 'no self-deceit') that our spouse will be made uneasy by this, we don't do it.  To ignore our spouse's preference out of a need for independence is devaluing our spouse.  It jeopardizes something of paramount importance (a lifetime relationship) for something less, whatever that lesser thing may be. 

Whenever we choose something that has even the potential of causing discomfort to the person to whom we are committed, we are making a statement.  "I  want something (or someone) other than you, even for just a few hours. I'm happy to maintain our status quo but only if I can do what I want. I have moved beyond the friends who strengthen our marriage. I want [admiration, a feeling of youthfulness, the buoyancy of a 'special friendship,' whatever . . .] even if that bothers you (or would if you knew)."  Otherwise why not ask,  "I was thinking about catching up with so and so.  Are you free to do that with me? "  Now that makes a healthy marriage!  

There may still be questions as to why you want to catch up with so and so.  But at least nothing will occur in private.  Boundaries will be set.  After all, private is the same as secret.  And if our spouse says, "No, I don't want to come and I don't want you to meet with him/her either," that is something we should respect.  Friends should be friends of the marriage.  Friends of the marriage are healthy.  Of course, friends of only one of us can easily become friends of the marriage.  That happens all the time.  But if one person doesn't want their friend who is the same sex as their spouse to be the friend of both, if he or she raises some obstacle, that it itself is tell-tale. 

I've been reading the memoir of a friend of our marriage.  A friend who lives in South Africa, was important in the struggle against apartheid, and who is now a widower (watch for the publication of I Beg to Differ by Peter Storey).  He has written about his marriage, 

     "No marriage is without struggles; the law of self-disclosure makes it  impossible to hide our self-truths no matter how adept we think we are at disguising them.  But much depends on whether the frailties thus exposed are grasped as opportunities to find 'a more perfect union' or as reasons to cut and run.  I won't traverse the sore places which I, more than [my wife] created, except to stand in awe of how much more ready she was to learn and grow from them."

Ah, do not we all want to have and to be such a spouse?  Would not our lives be easier, more God-pleasing, more honest and sincere if we used every opportunity for a more perfect union? I am drawn to the statement, "The law of self-disclosure makes it impossible to hide our self-truths no matter how adept we think we are at disguising them." My husband and I have been working on that.  Not surprisingly, it makes for some amazingly wonderful times.  I want to thank God for those.  Thank you, God.  Nina Naomi