THERE IS A "FOUNTAIN OF AGE"

Betty Friedan coined the term.  Remember her?  The Feminine Mystique? Published in 1963 it sparked the second wave of feminism in the US. The first wave got us the vote in 1920, the year my father was born.  Before the second wave, women who had been employed during the years of WWII were sent back to the kitchen, ready or not. Domesticity was romanticized.  Betty helped women who wanted more than an idealized stay-at-home role to find their voices.  

I'm loving this newer book, The Fountain of Age.  It treats age as an adventure, not something to be solved or denied. The book is well-researched, from the perspectives of gerontology to continuing-care communities to men and women aging with vitality.

One chapter is called "Intimacy Beyond the Dreams of Youth."  I can identify with that.  Who knew?  One man told her, "I'm closer to my wife than I ever was.  Now I guess we're secure and comfortable enough in ourselves to accept the intensity of our intimacy.  We have a deep, intimate, intense closeness now--the honesty of it I never conceived of.  We could be physically touching each other, close as in sex, but if you're not emotionally there, you don't really touch each other."  "I can take the feelings I used to run away from," the man continued.  

The book was written after Friedan turned 60.  At her surprise party, she noted that some of the toasts had an edge.  I'm reminded of some of the birthday cards that treat even 40 as old.  Although the book was first published in 1993, it's still timely.  After all, we've figured out that there's no fountain of youth, but why not a "Fountain of Age?"  The idea of each age as a developmental stage, including old age, where what's no longer useful is shed and new satisfactions arise. 


Friedan found that people who denied aging, feared change and competed with the young were in many instances depressed.  But others not like that were blossoming.  Men who were not tied to the masculinity of youth blossomed.  Women and men no longer tied to a job blossomed.  Those who structured their days in ways that had meaning for them blossomed. She found people who survived loss of spouse or divorce, cancer or heart attack, redundancy or retirement--all those difficult transitions--but kept or reached a comfort level with themselves.  Inner meaning replaced external yardsticks of success.  

Certain things, she discovered, are not reduced by age. Upon premiering a new dance at age 96, Martha Graham said, "Sensitivity is not made dull by age."  In later life a physician became a collagist, an art that I love.  

She found that opportunities to be in "Flow" are not reduced in age.  Quite the opposite.  I had no idea that this concept was identified and named by the Hungarian-American psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (b. 1934).  He defines flow as involvement lying between boredom and anxiety. A person in a state of flow is mentally absorbed in the challenge and pleasure of an activity but without self-consciousness or anxiety about performance. Flow takes energy and effort.  It's not passive.  It's usually experienced when pursuing a goal.  When we're having an adventure we're often in a state of flow.  I felt like that last weekend when we searched out waterfall after waterfall in Western North Carolina.

So many people Friedan interviewed felt accepting of themselves in a way they had not when they were young. Their ambitious striving and years of discontent were over. The men had moved beyond that brutal machismo so bruising to boys. Both sexes had found new intimacy and new creativity.  All these positives should help us age without fear. Age is part of the path we're all on. Our mindfulness, self-care, meditation, parenting our children, using our talents, contributing to the community, loving ourselves and others, are moving us forward in the search for wholeness as we age.

This book makes me think.  What I've had to let go, hard as it is, has not deprived my life of meaning.  All of us say yes to life in spite of death.  We may face inescapable suffering, but go through it with courage and dignity, with "Amazing Grace."  When we need to, we find new roles for ourselves.  The old need to be empowered, but so do we all.  Maybe someone next will write "The Fountain of Life."  
                                                           Nina Naomi

26 NEW MANTRAS

Mantras can be statements, phrases or words that we repeat frequently as an incantation or invocation.  They can be helpful, insightful words and statements, phrases or sentences that bring us to ourselves and inspire thought or creativity.  These are helping me as summer moves to fall. I bet you have some favorites too.   Nina Naomi

"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world." N.H. Kleinbaum Dead Poets Society (b.1948), American author

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart." William Wordsworth (1770-1850), English Romantic poet

Doing something usually brings people together; buying something does not.

"Simplicity is the greatest adornment of art."  Albrecht Durer (1471-1528), German painter and printmaker 

Bloom Where You Are

"Bouquet of Flowers in a Vase," Van Gogh, 1890

"Creativity takes Courage." Henri Matisse (1869-1954), French artist

Infinite wonder is around the corner. 

Love your home inside and out. 

"When you read, don't just consider what the author thinks, consider what you think."  N.H. Kleinbaum Dead Poets Society (b.1948), American author

You are exactly where you need to be. . .

"So if you are too tired to speak, sit next to me, because I, too, am fluent in silence."  unknown

"This is my life.  It is my one time to be me."  Maya Angelou (1928-2014) American poet, memoirist, singer, activist  



"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul." Emily Dickinson (1830-1886), American poet

"Writing is a way of thinking - not just feeling but thinking. . . ." Toni Morrison (1931-2019), American author

"I love getting older. . . . Things simply become more and more fascinating." Victoria Erickson (b.?), American writer and writing teacher

Make your life a little easier, especially in your head.

Accept the challenge. 

Be kind to yourself.

Expect a miracle.


"Remorse is memory awake. . ." Emily Dickinson (1830-1886), American poet

Desiring little brings more riches than acquiring much. 

"To find yourself, think for yourself." Socrates (470-399 BC), Greek philosopher

"Creativity is magic.  Don't examine it too closely."  Edward Albee (1928-2016), American playwright 

Create every day.


The magic is in you.

"What a Wonderful Life I've Had!  I only wish I'd realized it sooner." Colette (1873-1954), French novelist 






 











 

"THE PRIVILEGE OF A LIFETIME IS BEING WHO YOU ARE"

This quote is by Joseph Campbell (1904-1987), the world's foremost expert on mythology.  I ran across the quote and remembered studying him, Carl Jung and other heavy-duty thinkers in university.  A quotation relevant enough to today's interests, that Joseph Campbell's ideas seemed worth reviewing.   The chat between him and Bill Moyers (b.1934), journalist and White House Press Secretary, in the 6-part PBS series from 1988, "The Power of Myth," is binge-worthy.  The quotation about being who we are triggered my desire to give Campbell a re-look.  His ideas spark thoughts.  See what you think.   

Whitewater Falls, Cashiers, NC

First, Campbell's thinking about God.  He says "God is a metaphor for a mystery that absolutely transcends all human categories of thought."  Hmmm. . . . I would delete one phrase and say, yes, "God is a mystery that transcends all human categories of thought."  But not a metaphor.  For Christians, God's Son helps us understand the mystery.  Someone fully human and fully divine who lived in an historical time and an historical place--not a metaphor. I pray to Him daily. "Thank you God" in gratitude or "Help me Lord" in need.   


So that's who I am.  And it is a privilege to be who we are, isn't it?  "No one in the world was ever you before, with your particular gifts and abilities and possibilities."  Also a Joseph Campbell quote, though not unique to him.  Think of the variations on "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken."  Campbell says that "myths are the ongoing search for the experience of life." The experience, not the meaning. I like this. The emphasis on the here and now, not some future eternity. Our experience is the meaning, he says. We don't have to look for meaning in the future, whether here or hereafter. I may believe in eternal life, but I don't live there! So consistent with not wasting our hours and days, isn't it?  With mindfulness.

The first function of mythology is "To evoke in the individual a sense of grateful, affirmative awe before the monstrous mystery that is existence."  I must say that many days I feel like that, especially when I am out in nature as we were this week in the mountains of North Carolina.  Campbell calls the teachings of Muhammad, the wisdom of the Buddha and the parables of Christ all mythologies, vital stories that help us look for the truth within ourselves through the guidance of people, real or not, who have gone through similar trials. (Post "Easter is about Dying and Rising; So is Life," 4/5/2018). So I feel comfortable asking my transcendent God for help and guidance. Someone else prays five times daily facing Kaaba, the House of God at Mecca.  Someone else sits in contemplation.  Each of us has a way. 

Illustration by Ruby Taylor

I read that everything Joseph Campbell writes is an explanation of how ancient and modern myths and religions try to reconcile the harsh reality of the world we live in with the transcendent beauty of our impermanent existence.  The difference between the world's beauty and the especially harsh reality of life in America today has certainly been on my mind lately (Post "Another Week of Shootings," 8/19/2019). It's not a small discordance and worthy of deep thinking.

My first acquaintance with Joseph Campbell's writing was his idea of "following bliss," that is to discover when we are happy--not excited, not thrilled, not 'on top of the world,' but deeply happy.  Content many of us would say.  At peace.  At one with ourselves and the universe.  For others it may be different, but when I am in that place God is always there. Maybe just lurking, but somehow a part of my deep contentment (well, to be honest, my husband is often there too, or a grandchild or two).

I also like Joseph Campbell's idea of creative incubation.  And that the first law of life is that we are all one.  That the psychic unity of humankind is poetically expressed through mythology.  And I like what he says about marriage:  "Marriage is not a love affair."  I would say not only a love affair. "A love affair has to do with immediate personal satisfaction.  Marriage is an ordeal; it means yielding, time and again.  That's why it's a sacrament.  You give up your personal simplicity to participate in a relationship.  And when you're giving, you're not giving to the other person; you're giving to the relationship."  Reminds me of that song from "The Music Man" where Marian the Librarian says about her dream man, "And I would like him to be, more interested in me, than he is in himself.  And more interested in us than in me." Do you know the song? Are you hearing it if you do?


I've enjoyed thinking about all this, challenging my brain to sort it out.  We like doing that sort of thing, don't we?  Our minds aren't just for those intrusive thoughts we want to banish or for work or home chores.  They should be free to wander, ponder and wonder. That's one of the privileges of the lifetime of being who we are.  
                                                                      Nina Naomi  

  

ANOTHER WEEK OF SHOOTINGS

August Rodin, Despair. 1890

Another week of shootings in our beautiful country.  Two massacres within 24 hours, one in Texas, one in the Midwest.  Twenty-nine dead and fifth-three injured in less than a day.  In Ohio nine dead in less than a minute.  The shooter in El Paso left a hate-filled anti-immigrant manifesto.  The shooter in Dayton wore body armor and carried multiple rounds of ammunition.  How can we talk about anything else?  Nesting, blogging, mindfulness, "thoughts and prayers," against the obscenity of armed and enraged young men roaming our towns and shopping centers?  The right to keep and bear arms has become the right to kill anyone anytime any place for any reason. Walmart, that most American of institutions, has a body count.  The US Attorney for the Western District of Texas promises "swift and certain justice."  We tighten penalties instead of gun laws.  The United States Senate sits mute.  Only the candidates running for president call for change.  Trump plays golf.  Tweets substitute for action. 

I don't know if any other country needs to keep a gun violence archive.  I suspect not.  But we do.  We keep count of mass shootings where 4 or more people are shot or killed not counting the shooter.  We're up to 251 mass shootings in the 216 days of 2019. 

We have perfected our weapons,

Our conscience has fallen asleep. 

Pope Francis 

Grief continues but disbelief is no longer an option.  Lamentation isn't enough. So what can we do?  

We can't give up, that's certain.  We can campaign.  We can vote.  We can lobby.  Where we have the skills and training, we can help the troubled.  We can alert law enforcement.  We can organize, we can boycott, we can write. . . . 

Many well-established groups are fighting for what are called "sensible gun reforms."  Every one needs money and volunteers.  Here are just a few: 

The Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence  (www.bradyunited.org) with 94 chapters across the US, named for Tom Brady who was wounded during the assassination attempt on President Ronald Reagan. 

The Coalition to Stop Gun Violence (www.csgv.org) founded in 1974.  This group works with scientific experts to identify individuals at risk of violence towards themselves or others without stigmatizing mental illness. CSGV was the first prevention group to identify the NRA's dangerous interpretation of the Second Amendment. 

Every Town for Gun Safety Action Fund through secure.actblue.com, info@actblue.com, a registered charitable foundation formed to democratize social welfare giving. 

And the Giffords Law Center to Prevent Gun Violence (www.lawcenter.giffords.org) where legal experts research, write and defend laws proven to save lives from gun violence. 

What else?  We can raise the next generation to accept our diversity as our strength, we can teach by example.  I feel confident that each of us has skills that can be used to fight for a safer America. And when we need a respite from our activism, or from our fears, we can live simply, love nature, be mindful of each day, keep healthy attitudes and take the time to live well.  Nurturing ourselves and others that way is part and parcel of creating a mindset where the right to live safely outweighs all other competing rights.  We cannot despair.  

                                                                 Nina Naomi

 


 

INVESTING IN YOURSELF

So many things to write about.  I've got lists upon lists.  All these blog post themes I keep thinking about, such as: 

Soothe Your Soul

Turn on Your Creative Brain

Find Your Flow

Making Space

Investing in Yourself

The Best Time for New Beginnings

Finding Fresh Headspace

Time to Grow 

All fertile subjects, what I'd like to ponder, look for, find or do and I bet you would too. Who in this world wouldn't?  Hoping to share, to inspire just a little in return for all the inspiration I've received.  To pass on what, over the years, has been given to me.  Such a common goal.  

Lately lists have taken on new meaning in many of our lives.  This is new for me.  Outside of work I haven't been that much of a list maker.  My teenage Diary is more narrative, marked by overstatement and hyperbole. My Prayer Journal has no lists. 

My husband, on the other hand, has kept a red-covered paper date book for each year of his adult life. Everything he's ever done or meant to do--edit a chapter, call the plumber, walk with (name)--is listed, crossed-off or moved forward, a timeline of his existence.  He has a standing order for the same red book every December. The mundane and the private, who he has spent time with or is thinking about, hour after hour, all there revealed.   

But what about lists where nothing has to be scratched off.  I've seen some as writing prompts, some as self-care advice, some in mindfulness workbooks.  These kinds of lists are there for us to retrieve and do with as we will.  Like "Places I want to See" or "Where My Best Memories Were Made" (Ok, on a porch swing--marriage proposal; in Paris--honeymoon; in London--young marrieds; in Blowing Rock, NC--another honeymoon.)  Or "My Favorite Places and Why."  All individualized ways to appreciate our past or plan our future. 

Then there are the more difficult lists, but still helpful.  Lists like "What I Fear" or "Traumas in My Life."  "My Survival Tactics" or "This Helps Me."   I like this last one best.  I'd like to make this list carefully so what helps me will be on mental speed-dial when I need it.  

All these Not-To-Do-Lists not only solidify our memories, but also help us understand ourselves better.  What about this one, "How I Do NOT Want to Be" followed by "How I Want to Be?"  My responses are almost instantaneous for the first list.  I Do Not Want to Be:
Depressed
Anxious
Thoughtless
Unkind

The happier list by far is "How I Want to Be."  This list too comes readily. Because we know how we want our lives to unfold.  For me, I Want to Be: 
Aware
Creative
Peaceful
Grateful
Mindful
Loving
Healthy
Valued
Kind

Helpful
Hopeful

This list is far longer for most of us because it is probably the way we actually are, more often than we always notice.  So, let's pick what we want to list.  If it's not the time to list fears, don't.  If it is the time to list achievements, do.  If it's not the time to face the bad times, don't.  If it is, remember that you are brave, loved, healthy and strong.   

Well, this has turned out to be my Investing in Yourself post.  I didn't know that when I began.  So, I've added the title.  That's what lists can do; help us arrive somewhere. How nice.                                                                                                           Nina Naomi

 

 







    

MINIMALISM FOR ALL

Illustration by Geraldine Sy

Minimalism.   It may mean, as much as possible, removing from your life whatever no longer serves you or brings joy.  We've all read or watched Marie Kondo and know how she unclutters.  But minimalism can be more than less  stuff. Minimalists may want to create physical and emotional space to make room for the people, material goods and thoughts that matter the most. Minimalism certainly includes living with intention. It may include limiting unnecessary spending.  It's a way to be that I'd like to be better at. I like bare wood and furniture clustered for conversation, but sparse--no sidling around tables and chairs--floor space and open windows.  An environment like this creates mental space as well, room for the heart and mind to expand some experts say. 

I'd like to see something fresh and beautiful and admire it without wanting it, whether it's the shiny newness of someone else's house or the lushness of their garden.  I'd like to clear my house (and my schedule) of things that, truth be told, are antithetical to joy. I still have ratty towels, frayed-but-not-loved clothing, too many this or that. Things I don't need, whether neatly stacked behind cupboard doors or not.  Maybe you do too. 

I saw this illustration of a minimalist room by Geraldine Sy and decided to admire it without being envious. Without wanting to take a room of mine and make it more like this one. Or wish that I could draw like a professional illustrator.  Or match colors this well. 


So I'm enjoying the beautiful repetition of shapes, the curve of the vase, the round side table and the yellow lampshade that echoes the flower pot. Looking closer I see more curves.  Her shoulders, her bottom, her head and the little round topknot.  Contrasted with all the rectangular shapes, the ladder rungs, the chest of drawers, the pictures on the wall, the computer screen, the rug and everything on it.  I've been holding on to this picture because I knew I wanted to write about it, so perfectly proportioned, all in fall colors with a touch of black. A mindfully curated drawn room.

It may be a contradiction to want more minimalism, to want more of less.   But maybe not.  That's one way to have a simple life.  Less but just right.  Not as easy to banish thoughts that don't serve as to donate clothes and Aunt Ethel's heavy sideboard.  But that's for another post.  Staying minimal in writing, too. 

THE SUNDIAL

In my side-yard sits a cast-iron sundial.  Our son Adam gave it to my mom, a gift for her garden.  Adam and his wife picked it out, their first gift to her as newlyweds.  She had created what she lovingly called "Adam's Park" by the creek that ran behind her house.  Nina Naomi's first-born grandson was special to her.  He showed his love in an open, talkative, physical way--arm around the shoulders, a hug, a glancing touch of the waist.  I was the recipient of these affectionate moments too, given often and unselfconsciously.  At 6'3", he was strong and graceful; he could lift the heavy sundial with one hand and move it wherever his grandma wished.  She was young when he was born and he called her simply Nina.  

My mom and dad lived near the North Carolina beach.  When Adam would visit he and his grandma would bring plastic chairs out to Adam's Park. It was always in the shade and she had planted hosta and lined the path into the glade with some of her sea shell collection, conchs of various sizes and brokenness.  Sometimes a turtle would crawl up the creek bank or seagulls would fly over.  Conversations were mostly about Adam's future.  It always seemed unlimited.

At age 82 my mom died of cancer.  Adam couldn't visit her because he was immunocompromised from his own cancer treatments. After her death, and then his, shortly thereafter, my father decided to move inland near me.  I went to close up the house and sell it.  There sat the sundial, sturdily marking each hour that passed, as it had been doing for 6 years since Adam and his wife placed it there, in it's spot as sentry to "Adam's Park."  Marking the hours of everyone's lives, my parents happy retirement near the beach, Adam's marriage, his and Nina's illnesses, their deaths and the birth of his daughter. . . . 

I asked my dad, now 84, "Can I keep it?  We can't give away the sundial."  I'd broken vintage plates, worn out family quilts, misplaced jewelry, lost photos--but here surely was the one thing indestructible:  the cast-iron marker of the days of our lives.  So now it sits outside my door.  The grandchildren dodge it when they chase runaway balls.  I haven't moved it in almost 14 years. We are impermanent.  The sundial is as permanent as anything I've seen in my life.  It was chosen by young newlyweds to mark the ending years of beloved grandparents.  But one July it marked another death as well and then a birth and now, in my yard, more griefs and more celebrations.  Moss covers its heavy base. It is indestructible, like love.