FINDING COMPASSION FOR YOURSELF

"So Seductive," by Nina Naomi

Many of us carry something we feel guilty about:  maybe a broken promise to someone, maybe a broken promise to ourselves; maybe a serious mistake that hurt someone; maybe a short temper or rudeness.  So many things cause us not to be our best selves:  pride, flattery, exhaustion, financial stress, alcohol, the way we were raised.  The list is long. 

The continuum of guilt can be wide and reach deep.  And if the past, or present, has worsened our self-esteem, we may have trouble treating ourselves the way we would treat someone else under the same circumstances.  When we're really down on ourselves we might ask, "How can I have compassion for myself when I (fill in the blank)." 

I've been learning that there's an answer to this. One way to have compassion for ourselves, is to start with compassion for others.  When we show up for others and encourage them, we learn how to use the same skills with ourselves. When we listen, one person at a time, to children, parents, our sister or brother, friends, the checker, the cab driver, a neighbor, someone walking their dog, strangers even, we not only give them a lift, but some of that compassion reflects back to you and to me.  

Another way is to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.  When we tell someone what's troubling us, as we receive their compassion for our wounds, we learn from them how to treat ourselves similarly.  If someone offers us grace, we can mirror that behavior to ourselves.  We can say when we make a mistake (even a big one), "I am sorry.  I will make amends.  This could have happened to anyone."  

Some of these wonderful ideas come from following Annie Grace, an author I've mentioned who wrote This Naked Mind.  Since we live mostly in our own heads, our minds are full of thoughts of what we have done or left undone, big and small.  We know that there are ways we could change for the better.  But we might forget that change is supported more by kindness than by criticism.  Criticism defeats us.  

The work of Annie Grace reminds us, particularly with regard to addictive substances, that self-blame is simply "not applicable."  With nicotine, pain and sleep medications, alcohol and other drugs--i.e., things that cause daily or long-term dependence--what happens to our brains and bodies is a scientific certainty.  The substance creates a desire for itself.  Willpower and self-criticism are pretty useless against scientific certainties.  

Instead, self-compassion and knowledge are better methods for change, for all of life really. Learning enough to change our subconscious beliefs that something harmful is necessary for our well-being.  Not being told this.  Actually learning it, why we have done or left undone something that we question. 

Once we challenge our subconscious beliefs about whatever might be keeping us back, our feelings change and our actions follow; no blame to stymie us, no willpower to desert us.  Then we can build momentum and applaud our smallest successes.  No good thing is wasted.  I want to do more of that.