FINDING COMPASSION FOR YOURSELF

"So Seductive," by Nina Naomi

Many of us carry something we feel guilty about:  maybe a broken promise to someone, maybe a broken promise to ourselves; maybe a serious mistake that hurt someone; maybe a short temper or rudeness.  So many things cause us not to be our best selves:  pride, flattery, exhaustion, financial stress, alcohol, the way we were raised.  The list is long. 

The continuum of guilt can be wide and reach deep.  And if the past, or present, has worsened our self-esteem, we may have trouble treating ourselves the way we would treat someone else under the same circumstances.  When we're really down on ourselves we might ask, "How can I have compassion for myself when I (fill in the blank)." 

I've been learning that there's an answer to this. One way to have compassion for ourselves, is to start with compassion for others.  When we show up for others and encourage them, we learn how to use the same skills with ourselves. When we listen, one person at a time, to children, parents, our sister or brother, friends, the checker, the cab driver, a neighbor, someone walking their dog, strangers even, we not only give them a lift, but some of that compassion reflects back to you and to me.  

Another way is to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.  When we tell someone what's troubling us, as we receive their compassion for our wounds, we learn from them how to treat ourselves similarly.  If someone offers us grace, we can mirror that behavior to ourselves.  We can say when we make a mistake (even a big one), "I am sorry.  I will make amends.  This could have happened to anyone."  

Some of these wonderful ideas come from following Annie Grace, an author I've mentioned who wrote This Naked Mind.  Since we live mostly in our own heads, our minds are full of thoughts of what we have done or left undone, big and small.  We know that there are ways we could change for the better.  But we might forget that change is supported more by kindness than by criticism.  Criticism defeats us.  

The work of Annie Grace reminds us, particularly with regard to addictive substances, that self-blame is simply "not applicable."  With nicotine, pain and sleep medications, alcohol and other drugs--i.e., things that cause daily or long-term dependence--what happens to our brains and bodies is a scientific certainty.  The substance creates a desire for itself.  Willpower and self-criticism are pretty useless against scientific certainties.  

Instead, self-compassion and knowledge are better methods for change, for all of life really. Learning enough to change our subconscious beliefs that something harmful is necessary for our well-being.  Not being told this.  Actually learning it, why we have done or left undone something that we question. 

Once we challenge our subconscious beliefs about whatever might be keeping us back, our feelings change and our actions follow; no blame to stymie us, no willpower to desert us.  Then we can build momentum and applaud our smallest successes.  No good thing is wasted.  I want to do more of that.     

SO MUCH ROOM FOR KINDNESS

 

With so much going on many of us need to be kinder to ourselves.  For many kindness to others comes naturally.  We're parents, teachers, health-care workers, pastors, good neighbors, volunteers, caring spouses.  Our days are not relaxing or self-centered.  Firefighters, power-line workers, doctors and nurses are all trained to work 24/7 for the good of the community. They choose that job.

Then why aren't we kinder to ourselves?  We might feel that kindness to ourself makes us weak or self-indulgent. But studies show that's not so.  Studies show that self-compassion and inner strength are linked.  

Especially when we feel inadequate or insecure or are in emotional or physical pain, it's important to be tender with ourselves.  I might feel inadequate to affect the changes the world needs, offering only lamentation and prayer for Ukraine, for school shootings, for the girls and women who need abortion health care.  I might feel insecure about something personal:  for me my gait--which is no longer an arm-swinging stride--makes me self conscious; or becoming older, which equals less relevance. 

Someone else might feel insecure about their education, or underemployment or job loss; or their children's achievements or their own. Look at what we've learned about how social media affects self-esteem.  Or a trauma has left us in emotional pain.  So many reasons to need gentleness.  At the extreme are people with suicidal ideation. Hardly ever sure that they want to die, but certain that they don't want to continue living in such pain, emotional or physical. 

How do we get rid of the feelings that we aren't enough or that we are alone in the world? Certainly conventional therapies and medications.  But other tools too.  Mindfulness helps us make friends with ourselves.  In pottery class I made a tile decorated with a little acorn and the saying, "Nothing is missing; you are already whole."  Any hands-on skill  is a way to show ourselves kindness.  Anything where we disappear into what we are doing.  

Self-compassion doesn't mean turning away from what hurts.  It means turning toward it and asking ourselves, "What, dear friend, do you need in this moment?"  It's warm, and yet both gentle and fierce--the way we protect a child, or pet, or the vulnerable--anyone who needs us to stand up for them.  

I love the idea of softening toward ourselves.  We should sleep that way, in an embrace that shows love.  My husband sleeps like that, yes hugging me, but also hugging himself when I turn to my other side.  I tease him, but he wakes renewed.  

Let's never loose these ways of healing.  Earlier today I published a post written out of pessimism. I'm accepting that emotion.  What do I need when I feel that way?  What do you?  This post was sitting, waiting to be completed.  It lifts my soul to think how we can both face whatever we have to and show ourselves kindness at the same time.  In that way we remember how to be kind to others as well.         In love, Nina Naomi

 

 

 

SONGS OF SIMPLICITY AND SELF-COMPASSION

Isabel Allende (b. 1942)

 In the Song of What's Simple

In the song of what's simple but true,

Bent tree rubbing at my window,

I go out.  The meadow drenched rivulets of bog.

Moss to my ankles, bright.  Toes, shoes, socks all wet flecked.

It might seem ordinary but is not.

The smallest details of living

Need nothing but appreciation

For the candor they bring. 

N.N.

 

All Nights are not the Same

What can we accept about ourselves?

As I sit here at 11 pm I love myself, 

My body which feels small, 

My heart and mind,

My sore left foot.  

Foot, you are mine. 

I shan't feel guilty about how I spend my time.  

Let's not.  Let's ever not.  

Emotions and thoughts we'd rather not have?  They're OK today.

I do pretty well at living.  God has given me that.

The amber sunrise, an azure sky.

No more precious than we. 

N.N.