A serious topic: Do you ever wake with existential dread? Existential dread may be too strong a phrase. But depression, anxiety, regret, lack of motivation . . . each can be a sign of existential dread. We may question things we have been doing in a rote way. We may question purpose and meaning. Or we may simply feel anxious, off-kilter, needing to get up! and start our day. Losses, age, health concerns, death, almost any important life change can be a trigger. This seems to be a part of life.
For me, sometimes after a lovely day or night a painful thought will re-emerge, triggered I suppose by the knowledge that security and happiness are not givens. They can, and have, been attacked in unexpected ways. My father always said that the things that set you back are never what you were worried about. That's pretty much true for me.
What can we do about this? Losses, age, health concerns and death aren't about to reverse. Only our attitudes, our feelings are open to change. Example: We are getting older each year. Can we feel good about that? Amazingly, most days I can. I love the knowledge that age brings. I've experienced growth after trauma. I love my life.
We watched the Academy Award winning movie "The Father" last night with Anthony Hopkins playing the role of a brutally deteriorating Alzheimer's patient. This is not in my family history. At 82 my mother made thoughtful end-of-life decisions. My father lived without cognitive deficits until he died at age 94. But we have a dear friend who is at the beginning of this decline; and an in-law's father has "good" days when he remembers which of his children is visiting. So this is not merely academic, for any of us. There's a new drug for Alzheimer's, but no one can actually say that it's promising.
Plainly, any of us can veer into negative thinking. After all, we're still in a pandemic. Plus, research shows that we overlearn from negative experiences but underlearn from positive ones. (Well, that's unfair!) And that women are more likely to ruminate than men. (Maybe because women are victims of more traumatic experiences and fears than men? I don't see this considered.)
So when I come across what we might call positive-thoughts-about-negative-things, I'm intrigued. More than that: I pounce on them. Anecdotes, medical articles, clinical studies, Bible passages, self-help classes . . . . Surely that's one reason I get Mindful.org in my inbox each day, along with Greater Good Science Center (greater@berkeley.edu) and the Smiling Mind Meditation App. It's why I took part in an expressive writing clinical trial for crisis management. And keep a Prayer Journal.
Experts agree that happiness often comes from within. And that there are ways to encourage it. One is knowing that when someone does something bad to you, it's not about who you are, but who they are. If you're bullied, or belittled, or assaulted, it's because of who the bully is, or the criminal, not you. If the experience is closer to home and you're betrayed or humiliated by someone you know, it's about their need or weakness, not about you.
Another way is to let negative thoughts run their course. Like all thoughts, they come and go. Acknowledging our pain is not an indulgence. It's a stepping back so that the pain is not our whole self. Thankfully, this helps even when the loss is what we call unbearable. We find that we have borne it. As I'm believing that a hurt is too heavy, I become used to the weight.
A third way to encourage happiness, or at least relief, is to reframe our stories. If I have to act to correct a situation that should not have happened, I can concentrate on my bravery in so doing. That's why we talk about survivors of sexual assault rather than victims. If we think we won't recover from a loss--of a person, a marriage, trust, self-esteem--we can reframe with something more accurate: this is going to be very, very difficult. It may take some time. I may need help.
This is a big topic. But I find just thinking about this challenging and interesting. And writing about it, like expressive writing is said to do, improves my attitude. I hope reading does the same for you, provokes thoughts about your life, how you want to cope, where you've been and how far you've come. Introspection can be part of loving ourselves which helps us love others. I almost feel like this is a sort of prayer. Or at least thoughts guided by an unspoken prayer. So I'll say it: Amen
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