CLOSURE--WHAT IS IT?

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

The simplest meaning of closure seems to be getting over something painful and moving on.  But what exactly does "getting over" mean and what is "moving on?"  Certainly, we've all ruminated over the past, sometimes wondering what happened and why, sometimes trying to figure out how to live with hurt.  Deaths, betrayals, broken hearts, losses of every degree and dimension, grief and sadness are no strangers.  So, yes, closure might be almost an everyday need.  

Some psychologists use closure to mean cognitively understanding why and how an event occurred, processing it, and finding meaning in it.  With a natural death, at a late-enough time in life, that may happen sooner rather than later.  We don't feel cheated, we're not traumatized.  Some people have brought us so much good over the years, that what they gave leaves us with meaning.  Good deaths, you might say.  Sudden or prolonged, we remember them daily and with gratitude.  We accept the absence and have a sense of peace about it. 

For me, with my mother, there was no unfinished business.  "We have no issues," I told her.  For my father, by the time his aged body let go, we also had no issues.  "Why have issues?" I thought.  With my son, young and with cancer, I knew from the moment of his diagnosis that the joy of having had him would outweigh even the devastation of losing him.  His loss was greater than mine--unbearable (except that we all bore it) until that moment when he walked with God, as he does today.  

We might think of closure as change, rather than an end.  A change into our new selves and in some cases a change to something good.  The untimely death of a spouse might, in some cases, lead to a new love just as special in its way.  Not a replacement, but a different person to share the overflowing love we are blessed with.  Divorce the same. 

Some events we'll never understand.  They seem to come from an evil confluence of the stars.  Surely addiction and mental illness qualify.  Abuse qualifies.  Betrayals of any sort are hard to fathom.  Sometimes we forgive without understanding; we reconcile--if there's repentance--without understanding; we continue to love without understanding; we do what's best without understanding; we continue to have wonderful lives without understanding.  Rather than closure, people of faith might call this the grace of God or the peace that passes all understanding. 

But even without a rational explanation for something painful, we can still address our emotions, what the literature calls processing.  Again, psychologists say that closure is a self-compassionate process.  Given how much is beyond our control, it needs to be focused on us.  What do we need to do to make this better?  Accept that it happened.  Accept our feelings about it, feelings of sadness or confusion or anger.  Take self-protective action.  Be brave.  Let some time pass.  And then, with the help of God if you are a believer, give yourself the gift of a self-compassionate conclusion to your suffering.  In that way, what feels at times as the sole defining event of our life to the exclusion of all else, becomes a part of a longer narrative, a life full of love and meaning and care.  

Isaiah 43:2
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.