BEING UNDERSTOOD AND VALUED

A Threatening Day

Lately I have had painful thoughts.  Let's say something has happened that is very distressing.  Not just a bad day--something potentially devastating.  A breach of promise or duty, a disloyalty.  If the distress is caused by a family member, a spouse, lover or a partner our minds can race to the worst conclusions--life will never be the same, trust never regained, hurt never healed.  We are not understood or valued.  No apology will be forthcoming. The actions are defended, stonewalled.  Or, maybe, finally, "I'm sorry that I hurt you" rather than "I'm sorry that I wronged you," two very different apologies. 

What can we do in such a situation?  If we are a person of faith, what does God want us to do? If we believe that someone who owes us a duty of loyalty and honesty (as we in turn owe them) has acted in ways that make us worried, anxious, depressed, or sick in heart and body, what do we do?

One helpful idea is to listen to ourselves.  Listening to our instincts is important, especially, I think, when done while asking God for help and guidance.  The more the distressing event is unexpected, the more unprepared we are, the more important to rely upon God and our instincts to guide us.  Our instincts are on our side.

Another idea is to find someone else to listen to us.  Someone in addition to God who can face our fears and misgivings with us and help us realistically assess our perceptions.  A friend, a counselor, a member of the clergy, a physician, a trusted family member.

The best idea seems to be to talk with the person--for better or worse.  This isn't simple or without risk.  It can be an unhappy fearful road.  It can be hard when we have our fears and suspicions confirmed rather than assuaged.  But each of us deserves to know where we stand.  To decide whether to put all our efforts into love of another or faith and trust in another, talk is necessary.  How can we move forward in any direction without the most honest talk possible?  

Writing also helps.  A prayer journal perhaps, or a diary.  Writing helps us know who we are, discover what we need.  It slows us down so that we do not act precipitously. It helps us to not overreact, to be just and reasonable.  Whatever gives us space to think, to pray and to make decisions for the good of ourselves and one another is a good thing.  If we then begin to again feel understood and valued, we can offer thanks to God for helping and guiding us.

Clouds scattered, Blue Sky