IT'S ALL A SURPRISE

4th of July Sunset

Every new month is a surprise.  The 4th of July came and went, and we had one of our best ever.  We were at the beach with grandsons.  Fishing and softshell crabs and watermelon and a week of hot nights and hotter days.  That's North Carolina.  A grandson is spending the summer with us.  I asked him how he saw retirement.  "Seems like a lot of admin to me," he joked.  I admit, it does have its share.  Home repairs, scheduling, here and there a health issue.  But it's also a wonderful time of life. 

A teacher friend was debating whether she should retire.  How much would your pension pay, I asked.  Take that number and subtract it from your monthly take-home pay.  That's the amount you're working for.  She retired at the end of the school year and took a celebratory trip to Iceland with their daughter and family.  

When I was hesitating about retiring from a litigation law practice, I went to a workshop.  There I learned to reframe the issue.  Not how long do I want to work, but how long of a healthy retirement do I want.  Reframing made all the difference.  It took me three more years to windup my practice.

Every stage of life has its challenges, and every stage has its blessings.  As we grow older, we worry about those we love who have so much yet to face.  We've lost our naivete.  When my husband and I were newlyweds, we had a saying:  "Everything works out right for us."  We can't even laugh about that now, it's so untrue.  Everything doesn't work out right for anyone.  We were just so happily in love that we simply leaped to this conclusion.  Can anyone reading this imagine thinking that now?  

Our son had Tourette's syndrome, an involuntary movement disorder.  Our niece's boy has it too.  I know his parents' fears.  They were mine. This disorder causes pain and suffering.  But the wonder and beauty and bravery of the boy and his miraculous stamina and heart will surmount the disorder.  Our son became a district attorney.  While we can't predict our heartbreaks, neither do we foresee our triumphs. 

So what happens when your summers add up?  What does it mean to be old?  (I just read that "elderly" refers to those over 55!)  Social scientists tend to define the elderly by their disabilities, but young or old, people don't define themselves that way.  We self-identify by our strengths.  As we age, we recognize patterns.  We have lived long enough to see the effects of our decisions.  It's not that wisdom necessarily increases, but it does become more central and compensates for other losses.   

When we're young we may be raising children or nurturing friendships, making a home and saving money, all aimed toward future payoffs.  We make sacrifices for our children's futures and our own--a college or pension fund. . . . When we're older we may take more satisfaction in the moment-at-hand.  

My parents' retirement prepared me for the surprise of aging.  While I didn't envy them, I could see that they didn't envy me either.  They were harvesting the growth that their productive years had seeded.   

Experts say that levels of gratitude, forgiveness, calm and appreciation all rise through midlife to a peak in old age.  I must say, this 4th of July I felt that.  My gratitude for the sun and moon and waves, for the fish caught, for the games played, even for the momentary thrill of fireworks lighting the dark night, was deeper than I expected.  Has that happened to you?  An overwhelming thankfulness?  

I wonder now what surprise August will bring.  I think I'll keep my eyes sharp.  How about you?